A year

I cannot believe that one year ago today was when I acquired that damn little yellow box. Some of you might remember what happened: I got sick, took a lot of penicillin, had an allergic reaction to it (and not just one reaction - three, something my ER doc friend in Canada says is extremely rare, so yay me!), got my first epi pen (said yellow box), and ended up in the ER unable to breathe very well.

A year.

It seems crazy. Didn't that just happen? But then on the other hand, didn't that happen like a lifetime ago? But I suppose that's how these things go.

I think about that day, a year ago, and the day after it, when I was in the hospital, quite a bit. Maybe more than I should. Last spring and this fall, whenever I'd start to get the sniffles, or a sore throat, or whatever, I'd flash back to that day. That day when I was pretty sure I was going to die.

It's true. That Sunday night, my physical body covered in hives and swollen almost to capacity, I stood in the shower under a hot stream of water and prayed. I prayed to God that if I died that night, I wanted nothing more than to be in heaven with Him. I prayed simply, silently, through the water and the tears. I prayed for those I would leave behind and for what I where I would go. I prayed.

Did I feel a sense of relief? Yes. I did. I felt like maybe, whatever was happening, was happening for a reason. I prayed that God was in control, because I certainly wasn't, not of my body. I prayed that He hold me and comfort me and take me home, His will be done.

And I remember stepping out of that shower and thinking, well, that's over. I've made my peace. And as I laid down in bed, pants, socks, long sleeve shirt and gloves on (to stop the itching I didn't know I was doing at night but had left me bleeding the night before), I had this feeling of peace. Even though my body and mind were in chaos, my soul was not.

And yet? I didn't carry that peace with me this last year, not totally. I didn't lose it all but most of it comes and goes. There were moments when I was sure a slight cough was going to be the end of me. There were times when I held my breath as the liver test results came back because I had no idea if my body would ever function normally again after all those life-saving drugs (liver function is good, not great, but we're getting there!).

So yes, this is something I think about, a lot. I think about how important it is to not take the days and breaths for granted. I think about how important it is to find peace now because later might be too late. I think about how I am so fortunate to have the people I love fill my life with their presence.

I recently talked to a friend on the phone who I hadn't spoken too in quite some time. She said my voice had an edge to it, that I sounded hardened. I asked her if this was a good thing and she said, oh hell yes. She said I sounded like someone who has finally come into her own. And I love that. Because I have. I have figured out what's important in life (most days) and even better, who's important. I've made it a priority to spend time and energy on those people and when they return in kind, I've figured out the secret. Life is good. All will be well.

A year.

I've survived, and lived through, another year. I didn't know if that would happen last January 22nd. I'm glad it did. Here's to the next!

Good intentions

January is always a time of renewal, reflection and the idea that we can start fresh. Well, for most people. For me? January is usually a time of sickness. It seems, without fail, that family members or I end up with some hacking cough, runny nose, fever or something. This year? Sinus junk. Not sure how else to explain it. First my mom got it, back on New Year's Eve. Then Angela got it, just in time to fly back to Los Angeles. And this week? I have succumbed. I fought the good fight. I took extra vitamins, drank juice, chugged airborne, tried to stay away from people but alas, I have fallen.

In the fall (and frankly, through December) I started to panic whenever I got even a scratchy throat. What if IT happens again. What if I can't breathe. What if I need antibotics. All questions I have no answers for. Other than? I will survive. I have a cold. Just a cold. I keep telling myself that. And so, I took to the couch for a good day of rest and then today, have hobbled back to my computer, Kleenex close by, Vitamin Water close at hand, and the idea that I only need to do the bare minimum to keep my job.

See the nice thing about working from home is that I get to work from home. The not so nice thing? I have to work from home. No matter what. No sick days. I can't get away from work. I can't pretend that I'm too sick to go into the office. So, because others perverse, I will too. (Yeah, yeah, I know. I only have a cold. Whatever.) However, the one I feel sorry for is Angela. She feels like crap and she actually has to go to work. No sick days for her either. That's one of the perks of being a substitute teacher. She doesn't go to work, she doesn't get paid. And not just that. She doesn't go to work? She loses her "days", the amount of time she's accrued this school year working in the same classroom that gives her seniority and extra pay every day. Miss one day and boom! back at day zero. So, yeah, she's at work. But so are all the other sick teachers who have sick days to burn so apparently that's ok. Great system.

Ok, I need to keep grading so I can go back to the couch and watch Alias on Netflix. It's true, I have the whole series on DVD but clicking my little tiny Apple TV remote and having it appear instantly is so much better than loading DVDs.

Whew!

So somehow it got to be January 11th already, 2013. Yep, we're 11 days in folks. I cannot believe it. Here's what's happened in those 11 days:

• I read the new Dick Wolf (creator of Law and Order) book "The Intercept" and it was really good!
• I saw my grandparents' new apartment - their third in a year - and it's very nice! I also managed to break and fix their new coffeepot. 
• I got to hug and squeeze and spend time with some of my family before flying back to L.A. I love that!!!!
• I spent some quality time with my DVR which was almost empty when I left for the holidays and was 99% full when I got back. There's some good TV on right now people! Downton Abbey! Chicago Fire! Justified! Cougar Town! Suburgatory! So much!
• I read half of the Kathy Reichs book "Flash and Bones". The TV show Bones is based on these books and while they're very different, they're very good. Big recommend from me. 
• I started back at the University of Phoenix. After a two week break for the holidays we're back in the classroom, ready or not!
• I got my first coach purse! Woohoo! Now I just have to catch up to mom and Ang (they each have two already!). 
• I packed most of my stuff. I flew across the country. I unpacked. I want a teleporter for my birthday.
• I went outside without mittens in MI where it was 15 degrees. I went outside with mittens and froze in CA where it was 42 degrees. 
• I half-setup my new MacBook Pro. I'm still figuring out the other half.
• I said "YES!" twice already. Part of my new philosophy (not in the new year, it started last fall) is to say, "yes" to as many new things as possible in the hopes of jump starting my career and having a more interesting, impactful life. So far? I've said yes to signing up for Women in Film - a networking organization that's pretty big here in Hollywood. It costs a lot of money (for me, at least) but I am believe it'll be a positive step for my career. And I've also said yes to attending a showrunners panel which I'm very excited about!

Alas, it's been a good 11 days so far. Angela's a little under the weather but overall, we're good! Here's to the best year yet!!!