The waiting makes it worth it, I believe

It's late September. It's the last week of regular season baseball. It's premier week for most network television shows. It's well into the start of the traditional school year. I have yet another cold (I've lost count on how many this makes this year). I am wrapping up the semester with my students. I had an interview for a full-time job I wasn't sure I wanted two weeks ago. It started today so I'm guessing I didn't get it. And, most of all, I haven't heard anything about the pilot.

It was three weeks last Friday since we turned it into the network. And now we wait.

I have no idea what will come next. Less than none. My mind runs with the possibility and the fear and the excitement and the disappointment. So, I don't let my mind run too much.

I'm a patient person. Far more than many of you will ever know. I waited a long time to move to California. I'm still waiting for some of those things I believe God promises to each of His children. I wait and I wait and I wait. And it's not easy. And I'm no saint. I'm not a happy patient person. Not by a long shot. And I don't think I'm very good at waiting. I complain a lot. Just ask my friends and family.

But this morning as I was baking eggs for the week and making muffins for Angela's new teachers' meeting and doing laundry, all in an effort to focus my mind on something, anything, other than the waiting, I was listening to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts, Marc Maron's WTF. He was interviewing Billy Gardell, Mike from Mike and Molly. And Gardell was talking about what I was thinking about, waiting.

Now, it's not just sitting in an apartment somewhere hoping for something this waiting that we do. He was talking about the classes he took, the years he spent on the road as a standup, honing his craft. An active waiting, the farthest from the passive act we usually associate with patience. And then when he told the story about auditioning for Mike and Molly and ultimately getting the part, I cried. Right there in the kitchen, sweating as I put together egg sandwiches. I cried these happy tears for this man I have never met but enjoy on television 22 weeks a year. I cried because he waited and he made it. He finally finally made it. With $4.71 or how much ever he had in his bank account.

I cried mostly because it gave me a renewed sense of hope. That renewal I need daily. That renewal I get from the oddest places at times. From an email from someone I've never met who knows a friend of a friend who tells me "positive energy moves mountains" and that he knows I'm a good writer. From friends who check in weekly, daily, to see what I've heard or what I'm working on now. From a hug and an encouraging smile from people at church. From a favorite quote above my desk. From a bright pink rose peeking through the fence as I walk early in the morning. From the belief that I have to have to keep going.

This week I will hold true to the belief that no news is good news. I will continue to smile and answer the calls and the texts and the questions. I will grade final drafts and wrap up my class. I will cheer on my beloved Tigers and pray for a postseason run. I will make more food to wrap up and send across the country to those I hold close in my heart. I will send bright funny cards and little packages that can only make me feel a little lighter. I will splurge on Coke Zero and late night yoga and stay in bed a little later to sleep this cold away. I will know, deep down, past my heart into my soul, that the waiting makes it worth it. So worth it. No matter what it is. Because I have to believe. There's nothing else.

My Gratitude Experience

It's day five, the last day, of my gratitude challenge and I really want to thank my mom for nominating me to this challenge. Like a lot of things on Facebook, this could have been scrolled by quickly and ignored or laughed off. But since Mom tagged me, I decided to take it seriously. For the past four days here is what I have been thankful for:

Day 1
1) my very own bed, toothbrush, & refrigerator. I do not take any of that for granted. 2) Decades of memories & photos to jar them. 3) Baseball.

Day 2
1) teachers who do amazing jobs & are not respected nearly enough, 2) my awesome sister & parents who never once said maybe you can't be a professional writer, and 3) vegetables.

Day 3
1) first responders who do a job I can't fathom doing on a daily basis, 2) my family that extends far and wide, people I'm related to by blood and by choice, people who live with me in my heart every day, and 3) ice cream.

Day 4
1) I am grateful for the 2 amazing women who live next too and across from my house. They came to visit yesterday, Mary brought flowers & we shared our Europe pictures with them. A lovely afternoon. 2) I am grateful for a body that moves. Today I start another three month workout challenge & I'm so thankful my body is up to it! 3) The person who invented fans. Ours have been on nonstop for a month now and while I wish everyday for central air conditioning, I am grateful for what I do have.

So today, Day 5, seems a bit anticlimactic.  I've been listing all the people in my life and all the things I have and that's well and good but today I was trying to figure out what else to be grateful for. And then I went to volunteer at the Homeless Lunch at my church, just like I do most Tuesdays. And I realized that basically, I have to be grateful to God for everything I've listed above and thought about all week. Because without Him, there is nothing. But most of all, without Him, I am nothing. And I realize that in the grand scheme of things I am really so unbelievably blessed that it's kind of hard to fathom. Yes, I complain, a lot at times. Yesterday I was almost in tears because it was so hot in our house all afternoon. It's really getting to me. And then I had to do a gut check and remember, hey, you have a fan. You have a house. You have a mattress. You have a car to take you to places where it's not so hot. And I get that. I also get that at times I have to open the valve and let out the steam. But mostly, I have to remember, every minute of every day, how much I have to be thankful for. So thank you, Mom, for reminding me of that five days ago. Here goes...
 
Day 5
1) The fruit in my fridge. I was able to buy cut up melon and pineapple and strawberries and grapes this week. I have had a huge fruit salad twice a day for the entire weekend. And today I had to ask people in the lunch line if they wanted one banana or one box of raisins or one cup of applesauce. Just one. Maybe for the whole week until next Tuesday. (Side Note: If you ask me for an extra fruit, I will likely give it to you, especially if you aren't wearing any shoes.) I bet I throw out more fruit in a week than they eat. I have to remember this. Every day. Especially on days I want to skip the banana and go for the bagel.
2) Money in my bank account. There isn't much this month. Hardly any because it's right before Angela gets paid. But there's a little. Yes, there are bills waiting to be paid but they'll get their due. But right now? I have more than enough. I was able to go to the mall this weekend and buy fancy lotion at Bath and Body Works for Angela, myself, and one of my Homeless Lunch friends. We were able to eat more than one meal out in the past week. We bought hundreds of dollars worth of groceries in the past few weeks. We have television and Internet and fancy phones and new clothes and so much more than we could ever possibly need. And yet? I worry about money all the time. All. The. Time. And I shouldn't. God will provide, as He has for every single day of my life and will continue to do until the day I die. I am so grateful for that. (And for Justin for reminding me of that in his FB post today.)
3) Hallmark. No seriously. I mean I am the girl who listed baseball in her first day's list (I almost put baseball pants - I should have!). Saturday Angela and I missed the movie we'd intended to see at the mall because I took a shortcut driving and it didn't work out. And so we wandered through the air conditioned mall for several hours, not buying much (see lotion above) but laughing and window shopping and dreaming. However, we did spend the money we would have spent on movie tickets in Hallmark buying cards for friends and family members. And today I mailed five of them out. We bought silly cards and birthday cards and just because cards. We laughed and shared them with one another and then picked our favorites to bring home. And mostly? Hallmark reminded me to stay in touch this week, to brighten up a friend's day or to comfort a family member who might need it. I can't be there to give hugs in person but my hugs often come wrapped in a bright colored envelope and delivered by a federal employee.

So my official gratitude challenge is finished. But I won't stop. I'll keep it going, unofficially. I'll keep being thankful for what I have, working for what I want, and trying, just a little bit each day, to make the world brighter.

P.S. - If you have cable TV, check out the 15-minute show SOULPANCAKE on Pivot. It's a crazy little montage of interviews with people like Mindy Kaling and Russell Brand and stories from homeless people and reminders to be happy. I love it. I am grateful for it. Yep, I always like to do the extra credit.