do you ever get them or am I alone? When your chest starts to feel tight and burn and the tears are there, right inside the rims of your eyes but not quite falling because you will them not to but they want to come, they really do. When life seems just a little too much to bear. It's just hard. And yes, I know, everyone has their burdens and their crosses to bear and I should be grateful, oh so grateful I have a roof over my head, I have a job, I have people in my life who love me but sometimes it's just all a little too much.
It's paying the bills and the budget and the checkbook NEVER EVER EVER seem to match. As many times as I hold the calculator and the pencil and try with all my brain power, it never matches. And to add insult to injury, there's never quite enough money when it gets to days like this, days before the next month's paycheck. Days when you go to the grocery store and you buy all the healthy food you are supposed to be eating and the whole grains and the vegetables and the organic milk and you end up putting it on credit, someone else's credit to boot, and you know that come Friday you can write that check but still. it's just a little too much.
And the tears start to spill. And work is hard and there's never enough time to sit with the kids who need to be sat with and there's not enough energy to plan the really cool lessons because the problem kids suck the life right out of you. And then just a little more, and a little more, and just a little more is asked of you until you break and you snap at an undeserving child. And it's just more than you can bear so you go home and leave the tests ungraded and the room messy and the boards unerased.
And you wonder what's the point? And you wonder why you ever think you're special enough to do something more. And you watch a movie that is everything you've ever wanted to write and work on and be a part of and you get excited to write and be a part of it and then you get to thinking. And that little voice reminds you that it will be hard. Really hard. Harder than all of this life right now combined and you wonder, what makes me think I can ACTUALLY do this? What makes me think this is more than a pipe dream? What makes me think I deserve to do something as frivilous as this when there are people in my life and in all of life stuck in jobs they hate just trying to make ends meet, and my ends too for that matter? And you think, if it's hard now, it will be impossible later. Impossible.
And then you think, should I erase the ranting, now-soggy blog and just go to bed or should I post and let the world know that at this moment, it's rough. I think I'll take a page from one of my favorite rockstar's blog and put it up there for all to see. Put myself out there. Because there are these moments...
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Circles
I feel a bit like I've just been going in circles lately. Definately at spin class, which is the good kind of circles but in other areas. At work - I have been doing some paperwork, the team leader part of my job, and I feel as if I just go in circles. Fill out this, no this, now do this, no do this instead. And I feel like it's circles here too - I am just holding, treading water waiting for something else to happen.
But I think it's okay too. I've been reading my bible a lot lately and relearning some great lessons. And I'm trying new tactics at work - tough love with my kids that so far is getting the results I want (BETTER BEHAVIOR!). I need to write more but it seems like by the time I go to work at 6:30 (and try as I might I just can't get up any earlier) then get home after 3, go to the gym, come home, eat, read my bible, catch up on Newsweek or do one scrapbook page, boom it's done - the day is over! Ah well, hopefully the circles are leading me somewhere. (As I write this I feel it circling too - maybe I need sleep!).
And yet, I am looking forward. I've started collecting boxes at work. I'm getting my kids ready for their big AIMS test. I'm thinking ahead to the move and school and a job and what it would be like to work on an amazing television show (although, as Ang reminds me Arrested Development was canceled a few years ago so I can't work there even though I really really want to).
So I guess the good thing is circles can break, they can join, they can become circle eights, squares, triangles, all sorts of things. And that's a very good thing.
But I think it's okay too. I've been reading my bible a lot lately and relearning some great lessons. And I'm trying new tactics at work - tough love with my kids that so far is getting the results I want (BETTER BEHAVIOR!). I need to write more but it seems like by the time I go to work at 6:30 (and try as I might I just can't get up any earlier) then get home after 3, go to the gym, come home, eat, read my bible, catch up on Newsweek or do one scrapbook page, boom it's done - the day is over! Ah well, hopefully the circles are leading me somewhere. (As I write this I feel it circling too - maybe I need sleep!).
And yet, I am looking forward. I've started collecting boxes at work. I'm getting my kids ready for their big AIMS test. I'm thinking ahead to the move and school and a job and what it would be like to work on an amazing television show (although, as Ang reminds me Arrested Development was canceled a few years ago so I can't work there even though I really really want to).
So I guess the good thing is circles can break, they can join, they can become circle eights, squares, triangles, all sorts of things. And that's a very good thing.
Monday, January 21, 2008
A weekend of movies
That's right! On this, my three day weekend I saw 4 movies! So here's a little bit of a review for those who care.
Friday night we watched Sicko - Michael Moore's documentary about the United State's healthcare problems. It was heart-wrenching and terrifying and yet, funny and somewhat upbeat. I think everyone should watch this movie if for no other reason than to spark conversation and debate. And to help Angela raise money to move to France (she's been lobbying for Cuba but I told her she's probably better off trying for France but you never know!).
Saturday we caught a matinee of 27 Dresses, the new romantic comedy with Katherine Hiegel and James Marsden. I had heard not so great reviews of this movie but thought it looked cute so we gave it a shot. Low and behold, it had a great plot, great dialogue, and great acting. Really, a fun way to spend an few hours!
Then we watched two movies Saturday night - We are Marshall and The Ex. The Ex was okay. I love love love Zach Braff and Jason Bateman. But it was only a so-so movie and I was glad I only Netflixed it. But We are Marshall, that was an amazing film. I remember wanting to see this when it came out in theaters and never getting the chance but let me tell you, it had me crying from the beginning, gave me chills, a few laughs, and left me satisfied. What a great story, such great acting from the cheerleader to the coaches and wives, and players. And it was very cool to see the backstories at the end. A must see in my book!
Not a lot else happened this weekend. There was grocery shopping and scrapbooking and catching up on some reading and online scrabble playing and some cooking and baking. Also, I've decided to vote for any candidate who promises mandatory three-day weekends. I think they are essential to our human condition!
Friday night we watched Sicko - Michael Moore's documentary about the United State's healthcare problems. It was heart-wrenching and terrifying and yet, funny and somewhat upbeat. I think everyone should watch this movie if for no other reason than to spark conversation and debate. And to help Angela raise money to move to France (she's been lobbying for Cuba but I told her she's probably better off trying for France but you never know!).
Saturday we caught a matinee of 27 Dresses, the new romantic comedy with Katherine Hiegel and James Marsden. I had heard not so great reviews of this movie but thought it looked cute so we gave it a shot. Low and behold, it had a great plot, great dialogue, and great acting. Really, a fun way to spend an few hours!
Then we watched two movies Saturday night - We are Marshall and The Ex. The Ex was okay. I love love love Zach Braff and Jason Bateman. But it was only a so-so movie and I was glad I only Netflixed it. But We are Marshall, that was an amazing film. I remember wanting to see this when it came out in theaters and never getting the chance but let me tell you, it had me crying from the beginning, gave me chills, a few laughs, and left me satisfied. What a great story, such great acting from the cheerleader to the coaches and wives, and players. And it was very cool to see the backstories at the end. A must see in my book!
Not a lot else happened this weekend. There was grocery shopping and scrapbooking and catching up on some reading and online scrabble playing and some cooking and baking. Also, I've decided to vote for any candidate who promises mandatory three-day weekends. I think they are essential to our human condition!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Not in a million years...
would I have imagined that today I'd inadvertently eat some clams. Yep yep. It happened. At school. During the reward activity.
So here's the difference between every other school I've ever been to in my thirty years and the school I teach at: rewards here do not constitute popcorn or ice cream but raspados and some weird concoction served in a glass. First the raspados - they are basically homemade snow cones. Which would be fine except they were running low when my kids got to the front of the line so they got the weird concoction. And because the line was taking too long, the other teachers and I started handing out the concoction and low and behold, I got some of it on my fingers. Thinking it was tomato juice, I licked it off. No big deal. Right. Famous last words.
But here's what was in the concoction - they take a cup and fill it with fried tortilla strips that are rolled and dipped prior to serving. They're kinda like churros, which I see people mostly at Sam's Club. Anyway. They fill the cup with these churro/cheeto looking things and pour in what I thought was tomato juice. But no - it's clamato juice. And then they top it with diced cucumber. And that's called a reward here. In my book it's called gross but to each culture their own....
The kids seemed to really like this, at least the Mexican kids. I'll find out more tomorrow as this was the end of the day. But after I licked all the clamato juice off my fingers I realized what it was. And then it dawned on me, I'm allergic to clamato juice (all shellfish technically). And I started to freak a little. So here's Ms. Knapp, abandoning her children to go get Benadryl from her purse and buy a diet coke and chug it in front of the kids (a big no-no). So yeah, that was fun today.
I was fine, and probably would have been without the Benadryl anyway since it was so little an amount. But never in a million years would I have guessed they'd serve my kids ground up clams as a reward. It's seriously like I live in another country:-)
So here's the difference between every other school I've ever been to in my thirty years and the school I teach at: rewards here do not constitute popcorn or ice cream but raspados and some weird concoction served in a glass. First the raspados - they are basically homemade snow cones. Which would be fine except they were running low when my kids got to the front of the line so they got the weird concoction. And because the line was taking too long, the other teachers and I started handing out the concoction and low and behold, I got some of it on my fingers. Thinking it was tomato juice, I licked it off. No big deal. Right. Famous last words.
But here's what was in the concoction - they take a cup and fill it with fried tortilla strips that are rolled and dipped prior to serving. They're kinda like churros, which I see people mostly at Sam's Club. Anyway. They fill the cup with these churro/cheeto looking things and pour in what I thought was tomato juice. But no - it's clamato juice. And then they top it with diced cucumber. And that's called a reward here. In my book it's called gross but to each culture their own....
The kids seemed to really like this, at least the Mexican kids. I'll find out more tomorrow as this was the end of the day. But after I licked all the clamato juice off my fingers I realized what it was. And then it dawned on me, I'm allergic to clamato juice (all shellfish technically). And I started to freak a little. So here's Ms. Knapp, abandoning her children to go get Benadryl from her purse and buy a diet coke and chug it in front of the kids (a big no-no). So yeah, that was fun today.
I was fine, and probably would have been without the Benadryl anyway since it was so little an amount. But never in a million years would I have guessed they'd serve my kids ground up clams as a reward. It's seriously like I live in another country:-)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
I can't sleep...
It's 11:30 and I am wide awake. Which was not the case two hours ago when I fell asleep watching "A Daily Show" (I love that they renamed "The Daily Show" until the writers' strike is over - which for the record, will not be anytime soon). I fell asleep hard, after getting home close to 7, making dinner and watching "Grey's". It was a long day and I know I am exhausted but my mind won't shut down. So I now for a little while it's not worth lying there beating myself up about it.
We had a bit of excitement here today - I ran home to change for the gym and Ang went to the mailbox and she called and told me I had a letter from Cal State Northridge that said "Important Admission Information Enclosed". So we met in the parking lot and I tore open the envelope only to find a username and password to track my application online. But I also received my first email from UCLA today telling my they've received my completed application packet (which is good since it was mailed over a month ago), so I guess we still just have to wait and see. Fingers and toes crossed!
School is crazy right now. We're in the middle of the Mock AIMS which is supposedly helpful to us teachers - letting us know what our kids don't know so we can prepare them for the real AIMS in April. But it's been disorganized and quickly thrown together and I don't know, just insane. I was running around the school this morning - literally running - trying to find supplies and extra tests for my teammates. Just one of the perks of being team leader someone forgot to mention.
But the day had bright sides. I had a parent meeting where both parents showed up (score!) and over and over again said they were backing us, the teachers. They got their kid to admit his bad behavior and problems and I am hoping for some real progress. It's so nice to have parents who don't blame us, the teachers, for their kid's misbehavior or low grades. So that was a great way to end the school day.
Then I ended up staying after school with Ang and her two boys who are staying for extra help on a regular basis. We're becoming friends: I feed them granola bars, they laugh at my jokes, I help them with their tests. It's great to get one-on-one time with kids, it reminds me of what it is we're really doing inside those walls. It's very cool to interact and see them learn. Today one of the boys learned what the word concerned meant. Ang used it in a sentence directed toward him and he said it was cool she used such a big word. When asked, he didn't know what it meant and he's a 14 year old 8th grader. But we practiced using it and I think he'll remember it which is pretty cool. Such a small step but an important one.
I think I'll try sleep again. I have to get up in just over 5 hours and I know that will not be pleasant. Nothing like a 10-hour workday, an hour and a half at the gym, and some good TV to kick the day. I just wish sometimes we could squeak a few extra hours in there.
We had a bit of excitement here today - I ran home to change for the gym and Ang went to the mailbox and she called and told me I had a letter from Cal State Northridge that said "Important Admission Information Enclosed". So we met in the parking lot and I tore open the envelope only to find a username and password to track my application online. But I also received my first email from UCLA today telling my they've received my completed application packet (which is good since it was mailed over a month ago), so I guess we still just have to wait and see. Fingers and toes crossed!
School is crazy right now. We're in the middle of the Mock AIMS which is supposedly helpful to us teachers - letting us know what our kids don't know so we can prepare them for the real AIMS in April. But it's been disorganized and quickly thrown together and I don't know, just insane. I was running around the school this morning - literally running - trying to find supplies and extra tests for my teammates. Just one of the perks of being team leader someone forgot to mention.
But the day had bright sides. I had a parent meeting where both parents showed up (score!) and over and over again said they were backing us, the teachers. They got their kid to admit his bad behavior and problems and I am hoping for some real progress. It's so nice to have parents who don't blame us, the teachers, for their kid's misbehavior or low grades. So that was a great way to end the school day.
Then I ended up staying after school with Ang and her two boys who are staying for extra help on a regular basis. We're becoming friends: I feed them granola bars, they laugh at my jokes, I help them with their tests. It's great to get one-on-one time with kids, it reminds me of what it is we're really doing inside those walls. It's very cool to interact and see them learn. Today one of the boys learned what the word concerned meant. Ang used it in a sentence directed toward him and he said it was cool she used such a big word. When asked, he didn't know what it meant and he's a 14 year old 8th grader. But we practiced using it and I think he'll remember it which is pretty cool. Such a small step but an important one.
I think I'll try sleep again. I have to get up in just over 5 hours and I know that will not be pleasant. Nothing like a 10-hour workday, an hour and a half at the gym, and some good TV to kick the day. I just wish sometimes we could squeak a few extra hours in there.
Monday, January 07, 2008
His sly smile
Isn't it crazy how you can be going along, having a normal boring day and all of a sudden - WHAM! a brick hits you in the gut. That happened this afternoon as I was laying in bed, watching tv, surfing the internet and got an email that a friend I had in college, while attending the Wesley Foundation, had died. Twenty-eight years old and he died Saturday night. He'd been on MySpace the day before. I'm still trying to find out what happened, emails have been flying back and forth across the country but it doesn't matter in the end.
What matters is that this funny guy I once hung out with on a pretty regular basis is gone. He had gone to CMU to be a youth pastor. While we were all at WMU we'd all been very active at Wesley and I remember most of all his sly smile and how he liked to talk movies. I also remember a pretty vicious game of volleyball:-) I remember his little sister visiting once.
I guess that's good, to carry those memories with me. I am saddened by this news and more so by what the world has lost. But I know that God has another child by His side now. Tonight I pray for his family and for my friends.
What matters is that this funny guy I once hung out with on a pretty regular basis is gone. He had gone to CMU to be a youth pastor. While we were all at WMU we'd all been very active at Wesley and I remember most of all his sly smile and how he liked to talk movies. I also remember a pretty vicious game of volleyball:-) I remember his little sister visiting once.
I guess that's good, to carry those memories with me. I am saddened by this news and more so by what the world has lost. But I know that God has another child by His side now. Tonight I pray for his family and for my friends.
Friday, January 04, 2008
It's another year and I'm still in Yuma
Yep, the ball dropped in NYC, and another year dawned. I wonder how people celebrated before that sparkly ball because that's always our go to for New Year's Eve. It was a good year but I for one am mighty excited about what's to come this year.
Today I'm starting the new healthy me project. I've been struggling to be a Weight Watcher for the past month (basically I haven't been, I know this and while I am not proud of it I enjoyed all the cookies, the good food, the chocolates Santa left me, etc. and I realize that no one had a gun to my head and made me eat any of it) so I am getting back on the horse. It's not a diet I have to remind myself (and reading WW Magazine on the plane helped yesterday - they have full page ads saying Diets are mean!) but a healthy way to live. After a while of eating poorly and not moving nearly enough (I did enjoy some quality couch + book time) I start to feel physically gross. So here we go - I have a journal I'll write in (food and all!) and see how it goes. I am glad a lot of you are on this healthy lifestyle journey with me too. I need all the help I can get!
Also, as we flew into Yuma yesterday I got excited thinking about how by this time next year I'll be somewhere else doing something else (hopefully done with one semester of film school - fingers crossed everyone!) and that's pretty cool. Yuma's not a horrible place but gosh, after being in Michigan and Chicago - it doesn't hold a candle. And it would be completely unbearable if it weren't for such awesome friends so I am blessed in that way. Oh and the fact that I have the most amazing massage therapist ever!
I've been up for a couple of hours already though it's only 8:30 here in Yuma. I went to bed around 9:30 last night - I think this thing they call jet lag has set in. But the good news is that my spin class isn't until 4:30 so I don't have to hurry to go anywhere!
I wish you all the best and remember - only 6 more months to come visit me in Yuma (because I know you are all dying too!).
Today I'm starting the new healthy me project. I've been struggling to be a Weight Watcher for the past month (basically I haven't been, I know this and while I am not proud of it I enjoyed all the cookies, the good food, the chocolates Santa left me, etc. and I realize that no one had a gun to my head and made me eat any of it) so I am getting back on the horse. It's not a diet I have to remind myself (and reading WW Magazine on the plane helped yesterday - they have full page ads saying Diets are mean!) but a healthy way to live. After a while of eating poorly and not moving nearly enough (I did enjoy some quality couch + book time) I start to feel physically gross. So here we go - I have a journal I'll write in (food and all!) and see how it goes. I am glad a lot of you are on this healthy lifestyle journey with me too. I need all the help I can get!
Also, as we flew into Yuma yesterday I got excited thinking about how by this time next year I'll be somewhere else doing something else (hopefully done with one semester of film school - fingers crossed everyone!) and that's pretty cool. Yuma's not a horrible place but gosh, after being in Michigan and Chicago - it doesn't hold a candle. And it would be completely unbearable if it weren't for such awesome friends so I am blessed in that way. Oh and the fact that I have the most amazing massage therapist ever!
I've been up for a couple of hours already though it's only 8:30 here in Yuma. I went to bed around 9:30 last night - I think this thing they call jet lag has set in. But the good news is that my spin class isn't until 4:30 so I don't have to hurry to go anywhere!
I wish you all the best and remember - only 6 more months to come visit me in Yuma (because I know you are all dying too!).
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