do you ever get them or am I alone? When your chest starts to feel tight and burn and the tears are there, right inside the rims of your eyes but not quite falling because you will them not to but they want to come, they really do. When life seems just a little too much to bear. It's just hard. And yes, I know, everyone has their burdens and their crosses to bear and I should be grateful, oh so grateful I have a roof over my head, I have a job, I have people in my life who love me but sometimes it's just all a little too much.
It's paying the bills and the budget and the checkbook NEVER EVER EVER seem to match. As many times as I hold the calculator and the pencil and try with all my brain power, it never matches. And to add insult to injury, there's never quite enough money when it gets to days like this, days before the next month's paycheck. Days when you go to the grocery store and you buy all the healthy food you are supposed to be eating and the whole grains and the vegetables and the organic milk and you end up putting it on credit, someone else's credit to boot, and you know that come Friday you can write that check but still. it's just a little too much.
And the tears start to spill. And work is hard and there's never enough time to sit with the kids who need to be sat with and there's not enough energy to plan the really cool lessons because the problem kids suck the life right out of you. And then just a little more, and a little more, and just a little more is asked of you until you break and you snap at an undeserving child. And it's just more than you can bear so you go home and leave the tests ungraded and the room messy and the boards unerased.
And you wonder what's the point? And you wonder why you ever think you're special enough to do something more. And you watch a movie that is everything you've ever wanted to write and work on and be a part of and you get excited to write and be a part of it and then you get to thinking. And that little voice reminds you that it will be hard. Really hard. Harder than all of this life right now combined and you wonder, what makes me think I can ACTUALLY do this? What makes me think this is more than a pipe dream? What makes me think I deserve to do something as frivilous as this when there are people in my life and in all of life stuck in jobs they hate just trying to make ends meet, and my ends too for that matter? And you think, if it's hard now, it will be impossible later. Impossible.
And then you think, should I erase the ranting, now-soggy blog and just go to bed or should I post and let the world know that at this moment, it's rough. I think I'll take a page from one of my favorite rockstar's blog and put it up there for all to see. Put myself out there. Because there are these moments...
4 comments:
My eyes are tearing up for you. I think you are brave to write the good with the bad.
Sometimes I feel the crying so close to the surface but it will sit there for a day or more and then something else completely will set it off.
I wanted to stop my van and get out and stand in the rain two Fridays ago in the McDonalds parking lot. It was one of my lowest moments as a momma.
I love you so and think you are amazing. That is all.
I know exactly how you feel. You and I are in a similar boat. Sometimes is feels like a dream. Am I really living so far away, then I get into the car and nothing is familar and I can't go to Mom's house and just see her.
You have every right to feel this way, it's human. I wish I could give you a great big squeeze,but I can't so do it for me. You also have the right to dream and go for those dreams. Where would the world be if we all settled for the what comes easy. All those movies we get so much from would never have happened.
As for the money,we still seem to be having that problem. I wonder sometimes if it will ever change. Society tells us we need so many "things" and we fall into the trap. Keep working on it, we are.
You are doing what most of us only dream of. Thank you for letting us live through you. You are amazing don't change a thing. Thanks for sharing the good and the bad. You are loved not matter what.
I love you friend!!! And, as I read your blog I started sending up a few special prayers for you. I have faith that they were heard. An email is coming your way tonight. A comment on your blog is just not enough. Keep your chin up. "The sun will come out, tomorrow...."
Where did the term pipe dream come from exactly? ;-)
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