Swimming in circles

I'm nervous. Nervous and anxious and teary-eyed. I can't help it. I want to be that brave, strong, nerves of steel girl I know I should be but I'm scared. Scared that when we drive to Los Angeles this week I will get lost and drown in the sea of millions of people and concrete. Scared that the apartments we've found online will so not look like their pictures. Scared that even though I've applied for what feels like hundreds of jobs, the only response I get will be the job I don't really want that doesn't pay very well. (Yes, I got a response from a resume I sent out Friday and yes, it's the one job I really didn't want, public speaker for a Fashion College. It sounds interesting and I know I can do it but they want a commitment of 2 days a week - and it's contingent on high schools asking you to come speak, whatever, that will so not pay the bills!)

Scared that UCLA will be way bigger than MSU and I'll flashback to the summer year between high school and college when I flipped out and quit MSU before I even moved on campus. Scared that I will have nothing to fill 180 pages/2 screenplays with. Scared that I'll suck at writing like I've always feared. Scared that maybe I won't suck and I'll have to keep putting myself out there.

Scared that the L.A. I see on television is the L.A. of real life. Scared that the U-Haul won't fit into the parking spot or that our apartment won't come with a refrigerator (not unfounded can I just say). Scared that I will be sleeping in a twin bed my entire life.

And I know, it'll be okay. It has to be. But that doesn't mean I can't be scared, at least a little. I'm excited too, don't get me wrong. Excited beyond belief. Excited because I'm moving to a city where I can go see this girl I know from college who's in a rock musical in a cool little theater in Hollywood. Excited because I might live two blocks from where the freakin' Academy Awards are held. Excited because it'll be 80 degrees and not 180 degrees outside. Excited because someone who graduated from the very same program I've been accepted into has been nominated for an Emmy award.

Scared and excited. Excited and scared. It leaves me swimming in circles a little. So I look for apartments online. I look for refrigerators online. I pack a box. I balance my checkbook. I call my grandparents. I play scrabulous on facebook (way better than Scrabble's new game). I make some muffins. I read one of the 20 magazines that came when we were gone. I quit MySpace. I think about the back story of the Vietnam vet in my novel. I try to decide whether or not the main character in my screenplay should be 40 instead of 25. I pack up the baby gift I bought for Kelly to send to her shower. I put my flip flops back on to go downstairs for water. (We broke a vase yesterday and I do not need anything else going on with my feet.) I watch a movie. (So far this weekend: Lions for Lambs which I thought was really good, and Charlie Bartlett, which made me laugh and smile, a lot.) I print out some resumes to take with me to L.A. I think about what it will be like when I can buy a house in Beverly Hills and have everyone I love come and visit for as long as they want. I think about trying to download a fun ringtone for my new Instinct.

Okay, I've talked (or rather, written) myself down a little. I'm excited again. I'm okay. I'm still swimming in circles but they're my circles and I'm still moving, right? Right!