Here we go - again.

I am not on a diet. I am not on a diet. I am not on a diet.

I am hoping that by repeating the mantra over and over again I will believe it. It's a new year. And I'm hoping for the old me to come back. Specifically the me from a couple of years ago when I was in the process of moving out west. The me who weighed 44 pounds less than I do today. The me who fit into all those clothes that are now relegated to the top of Angela's closet. The me who was thinner and more importantly, healthier. The me who didn't get out of breath when climbing the hill. The me who exercised every day and loved it (well, didn't think of every excuse to get out of it). The me who didn't have knee pain. The me who wasn't as worried about heart disease because I was taking off the pounds and adding muscle.

A few years ago Ang and I made a decision to lose weight. I've always been heavy. There's no denying this. When we were at home this Christmas I went through the scrapbook my mom is making of all our Christmas photos and saw me from my first Christmas through elementary school. When I was two I looked about four. I know a lot of it's genetic. I am six foot tall, I have size eleven feet. I can never change those things and don't want to. But I know I can be thinner. I know because I've done it. And I know how hard it is.

I also know it takes a change in attitude. A change in lifestyle. I am not on a diet. I have a new life which includes eating differently every single day. No exception. This past year was hard, as were the last two. I moved, twice. I had a new job. You try teaching middle school, coaching sports, writing a novel, applying to grad school, living away from family and friends and you tell me how easy it is to focus on weight loss. Those aren't excuses, I know. But they are reality. I let myself slip back into the old way of eating. Oh, pizza tonight won't kill me. Going out to eat and splurging is okay just this weekend. Not walking today won't matter.

But it all matters. I learned the hard way. I gained it back. No, I didn't gain it all back, not even half of it. But enough that I am unhappy with how I look and how I feel. I am scared that I am doing damage to my body that cannot be undone. So I am making a change.

They (the infamous 'they' everyone talks about) say it's easier to keep a resolution if you tell people about it, if you lean on others for support. So I am sharing my resolution - to be healthy. I am trying not to focus on the weight loss part too much, because I want to be healthy for other reasons too. And it's not that I want people to police everything that goes in my mouth, in reality that angers and hurts me more than anything. But I do want you to know that I am changing the way I live. For the better. I am making some decisions to put me first. Oprah says that's what it's all about and I want to believe her. So I'm trying. Again.