Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is my birthday. It's not a big one like 30 or 40 or even 21 or 16. But it's a birthday. In fact, I think I've been contemplating this birthday more than I have any other in my past. Why? Because I'm turning 35.

35.

So far, the biggest change I have noticed is that I'll no longer mark the box on some forms that says "Age: 22-34", instead I'll have to mark the box on forms that says "Age: 35-Dead" or something like that. Other than that? I'm not sure what will be different tomorrow.

This morning when I talked to my mom she reminded me that 35 years ago today she was Christmas shopping with my Grandma Boutell. She reminded me that it was cold and rainy on the day of my birth but then hot and steamy a few days later when she introduced me to family members. I remembered that I always used to pray for snow on my birthday, even just a few flakes. I love snow. Always have. I used to pray and pray and maybe once or twice, I got my wish. But usually? It was cold and dark and rainy. Michigan in October.

Tomorrow in L.A. it's supposed to be 90 and sunny. Not the birthday I would have imagined for myself all those years ago. But then again, I never would have dreamed I'd live in California either. When I was little I don't remember thinking about what life would be like when I was older. It seems to me that you just grew up and there was more of the same. More of life. More of Michigan, of the town I grew up in, more of the people I love, more of just making it through another year. Not bad, not good, just that was it. My how things have changed.

In 35 years I've lived in three different states, done countless jobs and embarked on several careers. Would I change anything if I could?

Ooh, good question.

I think about that all the time. What would have happened if I had stayed in Michigan. Or gotten my doctorate degree after grad school. Or pursued a teaching certificate. Or followed the journalism path I started down once upon a time. What would have happened if I'd married that college boyfriend. Or been too scared to apply to film school. Where would I be. Who would I be.

I don't know. And I guess that's part of the fun of it. As I make it through another year, a year filled with sickness and rejection and sadness and disappointment and terror of what's coming next, I think a lot about all of it. But I also think about all of the awesome things that have happened. All of the people I've met. All of the things I've experienced. How I get to spend each day writing. Writing. That's something I cannot take for granted.

I might wish for snow tomorrow. Or wonder what life would be like in Michigan with kids and a husband and a regular job. Or think about what next year will bring and how I can make it so. I might curse the warm weather a little and dream of air conditioning and chocolate ice cream. But here's something I know for sure.

I'm where I am because this is exactly where I am meant to be. This is the plan, this has always been the plan, and no matter the course I took to get here, I am here.

I can second guess my choices, play back my decisions, question my thinking all I want but it won't change that fact. I'm who I am. I'm doing what I want to do. I'm happy. And that's the truth.

I can't remember a lot from when I was little. I get scared sometimes thinking something's wrong with me because I don't recall my third birthday party in detail like others do. But then I remember that it's ok. I have people in my life who love me and who will share my story with me. I have new stories to share with them. And that's really what's important. I am blessed and grateful and happy. I'm alive and well and turning 35 tomorrow. And no box on any form define who I am. Only I get to do that. And right now? I like the definition I've come up with. I like it a lot. And guess what? If I want, tomorrow I can write a new definition. Happy birthday to me.