It's All Good

I'm not a very patient person. And yet? I play golf. I write novels and screenplays. I cook. I cross-stitch. I am a Christian.

All things that require extreme patience. And all things that can drive me mad.

I've done several things lately that have required me to increase my patience and increase my faith. That have required me to reach deep down inside of myself and see what I'm made of.

Me on my first solo walk

The first? I walked 25 minutes, up one small hill along the way, to Angela's school last Friday night. It was my first walk of any length by myself. It scared me. It gave me confidence. It also required patience because I had to walk slowly. I had to breath slowly. I had to remind myself that it's all good. (That's my new motto - see the hedgehogs above. Angela got those for me my first week out of the hospital and they stare at me all day, watching over me and reminding me that because I can see them I'm alive and it really is all good.)

The view on my first solo walk

The second thing that required patience? Waiting to drive. Before last Wednesday I hadn't driven in 49 days. An eternity for someone who's used to jumping in the car to run errand after errand, to take herself places, to be independent. But I did it. I drove to the grocery store by myself. Then two days later I drove to my friend Krista's apartment building. And there? I went swimming. I walked in the water for almost two hours. I swam and talked and pretended that life was back to normal. It was glorious. (It was also 94 degrees in March, and yeah, there's no such thing as global warming.) And then I spent most of the weekend on the couch.

Me & Krista at her pool

Patience.

My leg told me that a trip to the grocery store alone, a trip to Krista's alone, and a trip to the mall with Angela was a little too much all in a four day span. I spent almost 48 hours back on bed rest. Mom and Angela monitored my leg (in person and via FaceTime). And you know what? With some patience, I survived. I realized that this will not be the last time this happens. I realized that I will be dealing with this new medical condition for a while. My new hematologist says I'm on blood thinners for life now. But, I also realized as I walked into the hematologist/oncologist's office that I was blessed to be there for a blood issue and not for a cancer issue.

Life is still different. I still get angry. I still get upset. I still have an occasional panic attack. (Three medical professionals, including two MDs, have told me these are expected. I've been given suggestions of what to do to calm myself and ride through them. It works. They suck but I also know that life is valleys and hills. Again, that patience thing creeping in.) I still wish this hadn't happened. And yet? I'm still alive. There's a reason I'm still alive. And I'm still recovering. I've learned to be patient with myself. I'm not working yet (I start teaching again the day after Easter.) and I get to be gentle with myself. I get to take care of myself. And I'm trying. Very hard. As hard as these little guys are trying to eat us out of house and home. (Note to all - get a hummingbird feeder and you will need a lot of hummingbird food.)