Without loss of enthusiasm

This week my friend Tami excitedly read to me from an interview by Aaron Sorkin. In the article he quotes Molly Bloom, the subject of his next film, who is quoting Winston Churchill. He says, according to Churchill,

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

I immediately wrote this down in blue Sharpie on an index card and pinned it on the bulletin board next to my desk. And I have stared at these words every day this week.

What's finally sunk in is the possibility that I am a success. At least according to this yardstick. Going from failure to failure. I feel like that's me lately.

In the past three months I've applied for four different writing fellowships and contests. I've gotten notice back on three. I haven't been accepted or moved to a higher round in any of them. In the past three months I've applied for countless jobs (I started keeping track of jobs I applied to in grad school. When I hit the triple digits I quit. I have no reason to be reminded of those who aren't interested in knowing me so now usually even rejection letters get tossed immediately). I haven't received notice back from most but when I have, it's an unqualified, thanks but we're not interested in you. And then sometimes the job posting goes back up and my heart sinks a little lower in my chest.

And yet? Each morning I get up. I dust off my desk. I open my laptop. I think about standing but I ultimately sit, and I get going. I read up on the day's news and those AP oddities articles looking for inspiration and for a way to make sense of the world. I check out what's happening in the writing world. In Hollywood. In Detroit. In my life. In others' lives. And then I settle in. I check the job posting boards. I check in with my friend Tami or other writer friends. I work on scripts. I scribble down ideas for movies or new pilots. I take apart scripts I've written and throw away funny or poignant lines until all I have left are scraps.

I go from failure to failure because that's all I have right now.

Yesterday I posted two of my half-hour comedies on a paid hosting site called The Black List. I've done it before, with miserable results. But I feel more confident this time. And I have more belief in myself that I can take the criticism handed out there. I also know this is where some of the cool kids in Hollywood hang out. So I'll take a spin around the block and see if anyone wants to chat. Because at this point, what's one more failure.

But I think the part of Churchill's quote that struck me most was the last bit.

...without loss of enthusiasm.

I'm not sad. Usually. I'm not angry. Usually. I don't dread getting to my desk. I don't dread putting fingers to the keyboard or marker to the notecard or pen to the paper. I relish it. I don't take it for granted even one little bit. Right now, despite everything else that's going on in the world and in my life, I get to write. EVERY SINGLE DAY. I get to create. I get to do what I want. And I know that may not last forever. I know that may not last long at all. I know at some point I may choose a different path or one will be presented before me and life will change. But for now?

I get to enthusiastically sit down at my desk and decide which failure will be next. Because at this point, that's all they are. Until they aren't. And frankly, I'm confident there will be a day when there is something that's the complete opposite of a failure. And that will be exciting and amazing and as it should be.

But I won't forget all those days that came before it. All the todays. The days when I get to make things up that please me, that make me laugh, that fascinate me. Because it's the failures that pile up, the failures that lead us, the failures that inspire us. It's going from failure to failure with such great expectations that all they do is prepare me for greatness.

And I love that.

#yearofyes
#writelikeyourerunningoutoftime