Sara House

One of the first pictures of Sara & I

I put it off all day. Actually, I've put it off a lot longer than that. I'm really good at procrastinating. And then today I decided I wasn't going to do it. 

I just wasn't going to write about Sara. 

See, if I don't think about it, it might not be true. If I look at the photos on my phone in the Sara House folder, it's like she's right here. We were just together this summer in Michigan. We were together in Kalamazoo last summer. And the summer before that. Our last planned FaceTime is still on the calendar. 

But God's funny. And so as I was procrastinating, checking Facebook, a memory popped up. Of a blog I wrote 9 years ago today. A blog I wrote after Mom #2 passed away. A blog I wrote after a long fall of grief following a year where we'd lost three of our grandparents. Here's what I wrote: 

The grieving doesn't stop. The celebrating doesn't stop. There are still texts and lunch dates and the goings-on of the every day. And yet? The grieving doesn't stop. I know all too well from my short time on this earth that it never does. And so? We can't stop either. To live with that grief every day is to live. To love. To know that I was loved in return. And so I'll do that today. And tomorrow. Through smiles and through tears. I won't stop.

And that's when I realized I couldn't put it off anymore. I couldn't pretend not to grieve. I couldn't pretend not to be heartbroken. I couldn't pretend to not feel my throat get tight by the mere thought of Sara's funeral tomorrow. 

I met Sara House in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We met at church. It was a new kind of church start, Methodist, both of us born and bred, but it was in a theater, downtown. We did cool things like pray at stations and make crafts during worship and we sang a lot. We were both on the organizing committee, I don't know exactly what that meant. We were there early to set up and stayed to tear down and often went out to eat after as church was on Sunday nights. It was probably Sara who roped me into joining that committee, which was basically a social group. And as someone who'd recently finished grad school and was living alone for the first time ever, I appreciated having new friends. 

There wasn't really a get to know you period with Sara. I remember instantly hanging out at her house, going to the movies together, talking as if we'd known one another our whole lives. She was just that friend. We all know that one. That one person who's friends with EVERYONE. And I loved that about her. She was close with her family. She liked to make things. (She taught me how to make stained glass in her basement!) She was a teacher. We clicked. And her friends became mine and mine became hers. My circle got bigger, all thanks to her.

We kept in touch as she moved up the ranks of her district, becoming an amazing boss, helping the kids who needed it the most and as Angela and I moved around the country. We made a point to travel to see one another when we were in the same state. We were each others cheerleaders. And in 2020, we became lifelines. She initiated them, our regular FaceTimes. We'd talk about nothing and everything and sometimes about cancer. Sara was sick but that wasn't the most important thing in our conversations. 

I'm still not sure how to process what's happened. She's still supposed to be here with her big smile and her goofy sense of humor and her hugs and the way she'd yell my last name and laugh. She's still supposed to be in her little house in Kalamazoo, planning her next trip, excited for whatever we were doing, and recommending her favorite books to me. She's still supposed to be here. 

But she's not. 

My circle is smaller now.

And yet...it's not. Because of Sara I have all my memories. I have other people who loved her too who also love me. And I'm going to hold on to that. Today. Tomorrow. And forever. 

Sara House, you made my circle BIG. 

And you'll always be right there in it. I miss you, friend. I have been grieving you for months now. And I know it won't ever stop. I grieve you through tears and I grieve you through smiles. But mostly smiles. Love you, girl. 

The last picture of all of us, from this summer