I wish I knew the rules. People seem to be constantly changing them. When you’re little, you know the rules, and if you step outside of them, people let you know. Go to bed, go to school, get good grades, eat your peas. Even if you didn’t agree with the rules, you knew the consequences and you were pretty confident that life would be okay even if you broke the rules. Your parents would still love you and you wouldn’t die. But today, as an adult, the rules are different and I don’t like it. In fact, I hate it. And the people who change them.
When you’re little, the grown-ups call the shots. That’s expected. But now, we often don’t know who’s in charge. We think we are for a while and then bam! we’re not. Someone who thinks that just because they pay us, they get to control us, and mess with our lives, is in charge. And it’s frustrating, maddening, back breaking. I just want a rule book. Is that so much to ask? Just a brief course in what’s right and wrong and how to navigate the trails and maybe a suggestion for some shortcuts. I’m not asking for much here. Not much at all. I feel that other people know these shortcuts and I’d like to be a member of that club. I feel I’ve paid my dues.
I’m frustrated because I have been trying to line up a sub for a class for 4 weeks now. I’ve spoken with my boss on several occasions, okay, never actually spoken. I’ve left voicemails and emails and voicemails and emails. And I don’t get much response. And today I get one and she changes the rules and tells me she thinks the new ones are fair. And I think they suck.
I just want to go on vacation. Is that too much to ask? Six short days, other people seem to do it all the time. I’ve even heard people go for two or three weeks. Not me, just six days, including travel time. I don’t get to do it much because of my schedule. My semesters and quarters never seem to overlap so when I do get some time off, it’s usually an evening or morning when I have class at another time during the day or week. And I’m all set for this spring break – and now someone’s messing with it.
I know in the grand scheme of things, it’ll work out. I trust God in that way. I know He loves me and has good plans for me and that he wants me to visit Angela as much as I want to visit her. But right now, sitting in a coffee shop because I still can’t go home (wet carpet), I feel desperate. Desperate for hope.
Also, it doesn’t help that I got another rejection letter today. This time from KVCC, where I actually work. Apparently I am qualified to teach English as adjunct faculty but not as full-time faculty. Go figure. God – I really need a vacation.

One more thing. If you're a fan of Grey's Anatomy - read the writers' blog (there's a link on this page). Last night was so good in it's awkwardness and pain, in making us feel what all of these people feel. It's amazing how film can do that to us and for us. I've already debriefed the episode with 2 friends and I love what the writer has to say about it. It's such a great peek into the makings of film. And who doesn't love Burke so much after last night?!?! :-)

I'm at the library. I've been kicked out of my apartment by two very well-intentioned carpet cleaners who decided to start cleaning as I was still running out the door (literally, machines were running the second they hit carpet) so I wound up here - the Kalamazoo Public Library. Which I love, for multiple reasons. A - there's life here. All kinds of people. Mother's with babies and screaming toddlers (he wants peanut butter - now!), people doing research (studiously pouring over old newspapers and microfilm - I love microfilm. I feel like a detective when I get to put it into the machine and flip past everything, so very cool.), people surfing the net (gotta love free WiFi), people actually reading (I know!), and people just getting in out of the cold. When I sat down on the main floor to look at some books I'd gathered, I noticed a table of 4 men in front of me. They had magazines out but they weren't really reading it seemed. And one of them, the youngest looking one, grunted loudly every minute or so. Pretty soon they all got up, gathered their bags and coats and headed for outside. I noticed that the oldest looking man stopped to help the youngest zip up his coat. And this was all done without a word. It's amazing what you see at the library. Love - who would have guessed. God must have wanted to show off a little this morning;-)
I'm doing some research for a friend who's writing a book, on happiness. I've found a book and it's all about what makes us happy and why. So here's my question - who out there, either in Kabul or Kalamazoo, is happy? Let me know:-)

Weather. What a phenomenon. I am amazed at how our lives are controlled by it. I was thinking this today as I was deciding what to wear to school. And then what to pack to go to Arizona. And then how we might not go to San Diego because the weathers going to be rainy while we're there. Here in Michigan, it's cold right now. Bitter cold. Not the kind of weather you'd want to be out in with just nylons on your legs (yep - that was a smart fashion move today). But think about it - weather impacts our moods, our days, our activities. We ski, we swim, we get excited because it's warm or cool. I am especially thoughtful on it today as I get ready for Yuma - 80 degrees there! Woohoo. I'm pulling out the sandals and hoping for some pink cheeks when I return.
So let's see - what else today. Oh, I got to hold Maddy tonight. She's the daughter of my friends, Dan and Sara. Madison was born in August and she's at the cute wiggly stage where she can smile and she fits right under my chin when sitting on the table. She just gurgles and bubbles and spits up a little and lets me kiss her head and cuddle her. She's perfect right now:-)
Also - I had class today. I am really liking my Sunday class. We do good work, get it done, and go home. And they are doing so well with their speeches. And they are all interesting. I am proud of them. Isn't it funny how we can be proud of people who achieve something like good public speaking skills and proud of people who learn to pull their socks off (i.e., Maddy). What an emotion - proudness.
So I guess enough rambling for now. My apartment's all out of whack because they are coming to clean the carpets tomorrow and I am trying to leave as much open space as possible because they don't move stuff. So tables are in the kitchen, the couches are all pushed around, chairs are in the bathroom, it's weird. Almost like I'm moving - which I'm not, yet:-) Gotta make it through another lease first. Although, I have the constant reminder of this quote in my head yesterday and today - "If you want to hunt alligators, you have to go where the alligators are." As I settle in to watch Grey's Anatomy (yes, my official favorite show, let's pause in a moment of silence for the passing of the torch from Alias and West Wing) I am thinking about how I should go about getting my own show. Oh it's gonna happen people, you just wait! Over and out.

It's been a weekend of independent films here. Last night Eric and I watched Broken Flowers with Bill Murray. Not bad- a little odd, especially the ending, or lack there of in our opinion but interesting. Then today I watched Reel Paradise which is a documentary about a family who spends a year in Fiji, showing free movies to the people there. Very interesting slice of a different culture's life, a new perspective on movies, and a very unique look into a life of a typical upper-upper middle class American family who is transported to a different world. And some definite dos and don'ts in regards to parenting:-)
But an interesting flick nontheless.

One more thing -
Write comments people! I know you're reading this, you're telling me you are. So give me some feedback. Communication is a transactional process and I'd love to get that other side of the spectrum from all of you. Even just a "Hi, I read it."
Thanks for reading, that's all we writers ever ask.

I've just added a photo to the blog, it's Angela and I on Christmas day at my parents' house. I think it's the best picture we've taken in a while:-) But of course I'm very modest! A note about my photo - it's in black and white and I meant it that way. I love black and white film, I think I'd be happy if that's all I ever used again. I remember back in middle school I went to a fine arts camp at Lake Huron UMC summer camp and got to choose my "specialty". I chose photography and we were given black and white film and we got to develop it. I loved that. But I'm not sure why I never pursued being a photographer. I still remember how to expose the film and develop and all that. And the smell of the chemicals, and being in that tiny dark bathhouse and washing out the pans and just loving it. An odd experience for summer camp, I know. Then years later I got to help a college roommate, Kelly, with her photography projects, and we spent many hours together in the dark room and again, I loved it.
When I showed my grandma these photos the other day, she remarked that my grandpa used to love black and white film. I thought that was pretty cool. She also told me he read Newsweek on a regular basis, and that's what I read. It's so crazy how the past creates the future in a certain way, isn't it?
I've been putzing around this morning, doing laundry, reading (just finished Anne Lamott's Plan B: Some Further Thoughts on Faith, it's genius and why I want to be a writer or even just a cool person like Anne - I highly recommend it or any of her nonfiction and/or fiction work), putting stuff together to take to Arizona. Oh that's right - Arizona! I leave on Thursday morning! I am so excited - more on that later.
Okay, time to pull the capris out of the closet and dust off the sandles. Enjoy your Saturday everyone, and check out Levi Kreis. He's a blues musician that Eric introduced me to last night, and I've already listened to his CD three times this morning. Very emotional and soothing and quiet and loud and just good music. Music to live with.

Sarah and Angela - Christmas day 2005 

I went to a free seminar today - a seminar for aspiring authors. It was interested because it was about self publishing and marketing and all that goes into a profitable book. But it also gave hints for plowing through the writing process, shortening it, and I don't like that, as a writer. I felt a certain sense of entitlement being that I actually go through the creative process that is writing, that it's not just turning a profit for me. I'm sure that others feel the same way but I just think writing has different meanings for different people. But it was a free seminar, they had a good lunch and we got a free book and a free pen. So well worth it. The speaker, Tony Rubleski, was very good and I did get some great advice. So now I want to write a nonfiction book too. So we'll add that to the list of things to do today:
Write novel.
Write screenplay.
Find out how to make enough money to pay the rent.
Write a nonfiction book.
Not much - and it's only 4:18pm. Well, guess I should get started. (I have been busy since I got home downloading that cool song from the beginning of last week's Grey's Anatomy when Christina and Burke danced and making new business cards, very important work.) As it says about my desk, "The only way to write is to write today!"

Brokeback Mountain. So I've been hearing about this movie for months. I'm a Entertainment Weekly subscriber and they can't shut up about it, I get articles about it in my screenwriting magazines and listserves, I've heard the awards and read the stories. And most of the time I am dissuaded by the hype. I try not to put too much stock into what the critic's have to say. But I was curious about this multiple-Oscar contender. So a friend and I snuck our diet pop and fat-free popcorn in to an afternoon screening today and watched. And laughed. And cried. And felt such immense empathy for these characters. All of them. Jack Twist and Ennis DelMar. The wives. The children. The parents. I was amazed at how much I was pulled into their world. Sometimes that happens with movies, sometimes it doesn't. It did today in such a big way.
And it wasn't just the characters, it was their story, their lives, the world they inhabited, the words they said and didn't say. This movie is an interpersonal communication dream. I'm going to tell all my students to watch it. They could write a book on it instead of just a paper.
I want to say so much more about this movie. My friend and I sat in the car after just gushing and theorizing and smiling in amazement. This film deserves to win awards. This is why we go to the movies. This is why I write movies. To make people feel, think, imagine. Movies that cause us to question and go outside of ourselves are exciting to me. We see too many these days that do the opposite, that beg us to be content, that push us to the point of not remembering what the characters did or said or cared about. This movie is the complete opposite.
The most important thing I want to say is "Go see this movie." Go with an open mind, with an attitude of imagination and a commitment to experiencing this story. (Yes, for those of you who've taken a communication class with me - those are the three requirements for empathy!)
Take your friends, go with your significant other, attend an afternoon screening alone like the two other women who were in the theater with us. Just go. And enjoy all that Brokeback Mountain says. And doesn't say.

First post. Today I had a conversation with a fellow writer and he said he thought writing was a good profession to go into because you could drink on the job. I nodded my head in agreement but am not sure if this is a healthy way to approach any job. Or anything in life. But I suppose we all get through the day somehow.
(FYI - no drinking went into this blog)
Oh yeah - Ang got to chase a kid with a gun today. Exciting stuff. There's gotta be a screenplay in there somewhere. More later. This blogging thing is fun:-)