Feelin' Good

I have two blisters on my left hand. They are pink and puffy and hurt a lot when I took a shower tonight. But I didn't mind really. Because these blisters mean I'm alive and active and doing stuff. And that's exciting to me. It's just like when my legs ache and my arms are sore after working out. Or when my stomach hurts from laughing too much. It feels good to be alive, to be out in the world.

The blisters appeared after I spent an hour of so hitting golf balls at the range this morning. Ang and I are playing in a charity golf outing in two weekends and decided we needed to practice a bit. Range today, a round next weekend. And the we came home and washed our clubs and washed the patio furniture and swept the patio. That felt good too, getting wet and dirty. And since I already had the sunscreen on (from golfing) I decided to sit outside and read a bit. And a bit turned into over four hours. It was great - seeing the kids from across the way eat popsicles and ride bikes, say hi to neighbors, hear the birds, etc.

All the laundry didn't get done and the bathroom didn't get cleaned and I didn't answer any emails or look for any jobs but guess what - I had a great day. And to me, that's what it's all about!

The Land of Hope

I feel like blogging even though I don't have much to blog about. I'm still a juror. We're going into our third week and I went into my third pad of notes yesterday. I write basically to stay awake and focused. But the good news is my trusty sub, Ryan, who can handle my children very well, has been there all along and will continue to be so that's awesome.

This week we had to say goodbye to a friend, Julie, who's husband is being transferred to Quantico near D.C. I know the drill, Marine families move all the time, but it doesn't make it any easier. We'll see her again for dinner at the end of May when she comes back through town but it's not the same as seeing her at the Y or going to lunch or hanging out in her pool with her kiddos. Just not the same.

We're still not sure what's going on with the big move. Ang has been applying for teaching jobs, and hearing back that info has been received but still waiting for more news. She's found one school she really likes and is thinking of driving up to L.A. to check it out. I, of course, can't go or I'd be thrown in jail. Yeah, yeah, service to my country, whatever.

However, we got our tickets to go to Michigan in June and we're very excited about that. And I know that whatever happens, we're going to end up exactly where we are meant to be, for "I've pitched my tent in the Land of Hope" (Acts 2:26, the Message). I just hope we have more than a tent to live in when we get there!

Another one bites the dust...

Here's the letter that came in the email at 11:59pm Friday night -

Dear Ms. Knapp:
Thank you for applying to graduate study at UCLA. We regret to inform you that you were not admitted. As you may be aware, UCLA receives many more applications than there are student places available. As in your case, each of these applications is carefully reviewed by departmental faculty committees. In this extremely competitive environment, many talented and promising students are not recommended for admission by these committees.
We understand that this decision is a disappointment. Should you wish to address
specific issues regarding your application, please contact the graduate program
to which you applied. Please accept my best wishes for success in all of your
future endeavors.

Did it break my heart? Yes. Was it completely unexpected. No. Do I have any idea what to do next? Well, I got the letter at 7am this morning and I decided to write. So I finished Molly's part of my novel. Two parts down, three to go. So I guess I'll just keep writing.

11 new friends

Yes, it's true. I have 11 new friends. My friends and I have spent some serious quality time together this week. Yes, yes, I'm talking about jury duty. I got picked to serve on a jury for a trial that may last 4 more weeks. Yeah, fantastic. I only go Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday but that's enough. The upside is that today I didn't have to report until 9:30, which means I had about 3 extra hours this morning. I got to walk 4 miles, talk to both my mom and dad for a long time, and pick out my clothes in the sunlight while fully awake. So yeah, there's an upside to jury duty. Also, the people I'm working with are very nice which is cool. So I guess there are two upsides (can there be two? I guess so if I say so!).

In other news I am sick, again. I went to PrimeCare last night and got a Z-pack of antibiotics, Allegra D and cough syrup. And I have a toothache which sucks. I don't know if it's sinuses or not so I am going to see if it goes away tomorrow. Go figure, I was just at the dentist last week.

Still no news on the other grad schools but Ang has been applying for jobs which is exciting. It'll help us figure out what areas to look into to find an apartment.

Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, I spent $511 last night. I bought my plane ticket home for vacation this summer. We'll be there for a month! So that's exciting.

Okay, I am going to go watch The Office, laugh, and veg. 'Night all!

A day in the life of me

And oh! What a crazy day it was. It all began when I woke up at the ungodly hour of 4:54am. ONE freaking minute before my alarm was set to ring. I hate when this happens. I don't know why. I know it's only one minute but I feel cheated out of that one minute of sleep. Anyway, I got up, got my butt downstairs and proceeded to walk two miles with my friends on the old VCR while listening to a creative screenwriting podcast Q & A with Michael Moore on his Oscar-nominated film Sicko. Can I just say, "I love Michael Moore!" I loved Sicko and could listen to him talk for hours. And then I went to school.

Things went pretty well. We read and analyzed an Amy Tan essay entitled Fish Cheeks that I really like and I'm not sure the kids really get. But we plodded along. I got to deal with some snotty kids and some funny kids and all in all it pretty good day. We came home, changed into our golf duds (I wore my Tigers hat dad! even if it does have a gang-related D on it!) and headed out to practice.

Practice went well, we had 18 kids show which is great considering we're now meeting on Mondays and we lost our three 8th grade football players. The two pros who worked with the kids today went over etiquette and rules then helped them with grip and hitting. They seemed to love it which was cool to see. And as an added bonus Ang and I got to hang out and talk with another coach and a few parents. It was nice just being the chaperones today. That'll change soon enough.

And then our day got interesting. We left the course at 6:10 and headed toward downtown Yuma. A few weeks ago I got a letter to appear for jury duty and when I called to confirm today they said I did indeed have a trial scheduled so I have to appear at the courthouse tomorrow. Ang said she'd do a dry run with me tonight so I'd know where to park. On the way we decided we were very thirsty (it was 102 degrees this afternoon and our water bottles were empty 20 minutes into the 2 hour practice) so I pulled into the Circle K gas station just down the road from the course, the one next to my dentist office and across from the high school. We went in, got our diet root beers and went up to pay. The guy behind the corner looked at us and just started talking.

He said we should have been there a few hours ago, there'd been a shooting. From what he'd heard a drug deal in the alley gone bad and the guy who'd been shot had made it up to the front of the store. He kept telling us he had to clean up the blood, there'd been no one else to do it apparently. Ang and I didn't know what to say so we just listened, wished him a much better, and safer, night and beat the heck out of there. We jumped in my car and I squealed (yes, there were squeals!) out of there. We did note that the nearby dumpsters had been tagged to let us know which gang's territory we were in, not that it'll help us, but it felt somewhat comforting to know who's backyard we were squealing out of.

So anyway, I found the courthouse and parking lot and then we came home and frosted 60 cupcakes. Our kids are done with the AIMS testing tomorrow and we decided to give them a little good job treat. My sub will get all the glory for the cupcakes since I will be stuck in a courtroom but I am sure they'll still taste as sweet.

So now I am going to bed. I am exhausted, a little sunburned, and sore. I think the minuscule amount of jogging I did yesterday combined with my very bad habit of not stretching enough after working out has caused my legs to stage a protest. Let's just say walking up the stairs tonight was not a pleasant experience.

Oh - and to everyone who's sent encouraging words after my last blog, rest assured. I'm not giving up, it's simply not in me. I'll keep writing, I'll figure something out, I'll try not to make my grandmother cry again (I love you Grandma Cows - Happy Birthday tomorrow!), and I will succeed. That's all there is to it.

The odds are not looking good...

Two down, two to go. Grad school letters that is. So far I've been rejected from UT Austin and now USC. The USC letter came yesterday. Every day on the way to the mailbox I pray the letters will be there. I pray they'll be acceptances. I prayed yesterday when Ang walked to the box. But the answer to my prayer was not what I'd hoped.

"Dear Ms. Knapp...after careful review of your application and supporting materials, the Admission Committee has asked me to inform you that your application to the Master of Fine Arts program in Writing for Screen and Television for Fall 2008 has not been approved, and we are not able to offer you admission to this program. We understand this must be very disappointing news. Please bear in mind that each year the university receives applications from many more students than it can accommodate. Admissibility is determined by the size of the applicant pool as well as student credentials. Unfortunately, as a result we are not able to offer admission to some students of significant ability and potential." And it goes on and on.... They encourage me to continue toward my educational and professional goals and they wish me luck.

Yeah, luck. Apparently that's what it takes to get into one of these schools. I knew I wasn't going to be a top candidate. I had lower verbal scores on the GRE than I'd have liked, I am older than most of the applicants I'd guess, and I do not have a background in fine arts. But damn it, I wanted this! I wanted one of the best film schools in the country to accept me. I wanted the chance to write all day and study this craft and learn. I've finally figured out something I want to do and now I don't know how to go about it.

At this late date I am guessing that UCLA will be a rejection too. My guess is that they send out acceptance letters first, then the others. And Cal State Northridge won't be deciding till the end of May, said their latest letter. So I don't know what to do now.

I cried yesterday, and again today. I'm frustrated and hurt and angry and disappointed and feeling very rejected. I literally don't know what to do. I'm just starting to get my financial legs under me and I was hoping there'd be student loans at UT or USC. I doubt there will be at the other schools. I started looking for jobs "in the industry" this morning and it was tiresome. "Must have 2-3 years experience at Disney, or in the industry, or with blackberries, or, or, or."

So what do I do now? Do I give up? Maybe it's been a pipe dream all along. Cut my losses and work on a teaching certificate? (Though I can't really afford that either and there are no student loans for those.) Go back to being a glorified secretary? I don't know. Ang and I are pretty committed to this Los Angeles move now, with it less than three months away but like EVERYONE'S been saying, it's expensive there. Frankly, it's expensive anywhere. So yeah.

For now I'm going to do the laundry.

Boredom

It is day three of the hallowed AIMS test - that's the Arizona state standardized test for those of you who either a)don't know me well or b)care! And right now I'm going on hour four of sitting in a room with 23 students who have to try as hard as they can to be silent. And for some of them I think it uses more brain power than taking the actual test. We've been done testing for about 45 minutes now but until the entire school is done we wait. And wait and wait. What makes it worse is that we have missed our usual lunch time by about 20 minutes already and they're hungry. Frankly, I am too. I'm hoping they don't hear my stomach growling.

Four of my students are engrossed in a book which is awesome. Others are browsing my "big books" - the Ripley's Believe It or Not, my Book of Weird Animals, etc. Some are sleeping (we have had different snorers each day, today's was the loudest and I think the snickering woke him up). Others are perfecting their sign language and note-writing techniques. Some are staring blankly into space. I know that feeling well. I have to be on high alert, watching them test, waiting until they raise their hand to signal they need a Kleenex or a new pencil or have a question.

In the meantime I've answered some emails, been told I have to sub during my only plan this week, and started the new John Grisham novel. I tried writing - I reread some of what I've recently written but I can't get lost in that world when I am so obviously stuck in this one.

So we wait. With growling tummies, anxious feet, and tired looks. TGIF.

Oh you!

So I blogged last night then went to bed to read. I started with my Bible passages for the day, some of the Old Testament stuff is pretty dry and I was getting tired. Then I got to the New Testament and bam! God really wanted me to wake up. Here's what I read:

From Luke 12: Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? "Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

Yeah, that woke me up alright. I know I have to be patient and I know I am not supposed to worry but I am not and I do. And I often need reminders to stop, listen, pray, and be patient. I've been restless lately and I think it's because my faith has wavered. I'm trying to do it all on my own, which isn't what God wants from me. So he sent a little wake up call last night. And just as I was sitting there thinking how little relevance the Bible held for me at that moment. He's a pretty cool guy;-)

So I'll wait. Ang started looking at apartments last night and I really don't know how to afford living in L.A. but I am confident we will. I am confident that we'll prosper and have great adventures and learn and do God's work. I know our time here in Yuma is coming to an end. I know there's more out there. But for now I wait. Your move God.

Wrench

Yeah, a big old wrench, that's what I got today when I opened the mail. See I've been putting my plans for the future on hold until I find out if I've gotten accepted to any of the Los Angeles grad schools I've applied to. Ang has been too - she's moving with me and we're waiting to find out where I'll be "stationed" before we make any big plans when it comes to apartments, jobs, etc. All that small stuff.

Well today I got a letter from Cal State Northridge that says they have all of my required applications materials (that I submitted over 5 months ago) and they're reviewing them. And they'll start sending out admission status letters the week of May 19th, 2008. That's right folks, over a month from now. It was bad enough that the last week of March/first week of April came and went without any letters, as had been promised by all the schools' websites but now I have to wait another 6 weeks or so. I just don't get it...

I had a dream last night, and I woke up really excited. I'd prayed last night for God to let me know what He wants for me, where He wants me, etc. And then I had this dream that ended with me getting an acceptance letter from USC (my number one pick and the best screenwriting school in the country) that was signed by the university president and he'd written "Why not?!?!" after his name. I have no idea if the university president is a man and no idea why he'd write such a thing but I was elated!

And then I got the Northridge letter. I haven't gotten any others - still waiting on USC and UCLA but I am getting very anxious. As I watched Channel One News with my kids today and listened to seniors talking about getting a thin vs. a thick envelope in the mail regarding their college acceptances I empathized. Although I feel like I should be past this point. I just want to write. And I am not sure if I'm supposed to find another way to do it but I thought this was a pretty good way. I mean, if you want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an electrician or a chef you go to school, learn the craft, and then make your way through your career. I've finally figured out something I really want to do and now I just don't know how to get there. I've been listening to screenwriting podcasts when I work out this week and these writers talk about how you just have to do it, sit down and write. And I think yeah, well you're getting paid three-quarters of a million bucks to just sit down and write. And you don't have to go to work and deal with 13 year olds for ten hours first. I know I shouldn't complain, I have a job and I'm grateful for that but I want more. And I pray to God He shows me the way. Or at least points me in the direction of a cheap apartment in a good neighborhood in L.A. (I know, I don't ask much!).

Ang asked today what I'll do if I don't get in to any schools. This has been in the back of my mind since I started the process, I am realist, I know my chances are slim. I had a great writing score on the GRE but not stellar verbal and quantitative scores. I am sure there are people with better resumes and pedigrees wanting the slots at the schools just as much as me. And maybe even some of them can pay for the tuition up front. But I do know I want to write. So I did what any writer would do in this situation. I turned inside myself and started something new. In my case, notes on what I hope will become a new screenplay. So I guess, wrench or no wrench, I'll just keep pluckin' along!

Weekend Update

It was good to have a few days to get reacclimated to Yuma after getting home from Texas. It's been fine, all the laundry is done, the fridge is full, etc. but I'm still not ready to go back to work. But what's new! I am so thankful for the two week break though, I feel it really energized me and got me into a better mindset. By that last week before break, I was very stressed out. In the past few days though I've gone to a pilates class, walked 8 miles, done toning exercises, eaten 3 bell peppers, 2 quarts of strawberries, almost a pound of carrots, and relaxed. I feel better already!

Still no news on the "letter" front yet. My parents ask every time one of us talks to them if I've heard from anymore schools yet and we say no. I smile because they have to know that they're my first call when one comes. Especially if it's an acceptance! The decisions were supposed to have been made by now - letters to come at the end of March/beginning of April but nothing yet. The websites haven't been updated either. My dad reminded me that 'no news is good news' so here's hoping!

So tomorrow we head back to school bright and early. I think my kids will be ready but tired, this was fair week in Yuma which keeps them all busy and out past their bedtimes. That's okay with me though, tired kids and quiet kids! And Wednesday we start the AIMS tests so life will be very quiet for five days after that!

Oh yeah, did I mention I got summonsed for jury duty again?!?!?! Seriously, if it weren't for Ang and I, I'm not sure who'd they'd get to be on all these juries that get cancelled the night before! I'm to report a week from Tuesday, we'll see if it pans out this time. I'm sure my bosses will be impressed if I do get to go, that's an AIMS day and they can't have subs in the rooms for testing, they have to have people who've signed confidentiality agreements, etc. So we'll see what transpires before then.

What else? Oh yeah, we saw 2 movies this weekend: Leatherheads and Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns. Both great movies, well worth the ticket price and the 2 hours spent in a darkened theater. We went to the mall Friday night (no more shootings lately, thank goodness!) and downtown last night and yes, we were spotted by children. And I was doing my best TMZ impression, I had my Detroit Tigers hat on and everything and I was still loudly acknowledged!

Ok, guess I should get ready for tomorrow. Have a great week everyone and to those of you up north, congrats on spring finally making an appearance, even if it was a few weeks late!

Texas Style

Whew! We are home, after 13 days in that huge state of Texas. Yeah, it's huge, it took us two days to drive through it. And we had issues while driving, namely with a police officer who believed that he needed to pull us over for going three (yes, three) miles over the speed limit. Yes, cruise was set, and yes, it does indeed fluctuate. Yeah, whatever. Anyway...

We had such a great time in Texas, both sightseeing and just hanging out. We went to the Blue Bell Creamery where they make some tasty ice cream. We hung out in the gardens, toured the plant, saw them making ice cream and of course, ate ice cream!

We went to church three times which was something I really enjoyed. The focus of two of the sermons was forgiveness and it really got us to thinking, and talking. It was awesome to have such great conversations full of love, laughter, and friendship.

We also did some dancing. Saturday night we headed out to Hulaballoo, an old diner where a benefit was going on for a mission team Jamee's mom is a part of. They had this great band, Texas Twister, who played covers from the 60s, 70s, 80s, etc. It was great to dance and enjoy each other's company. Also, we got to hang out with some of our new friends: Angie and Justin. Very cool!

And then there was Monday. Monday was our last day in Texas and we made the most of it. We went to the George Bush Presidential Library at Texas A & M University which was very cool. Justin met us there and we had a great time learning all about President Bush and his accomplishments and about history as well. We laughed a lot, especially after we were ushered into a tent that served as a replica of barracks from the first gulf war. The older woman who'd led us quickly through the museum to the tent told us to go in, sit down, and be quiet. I felt like I was back in elementary school! We got to sit in a replica of a situation room, fly a (video game) plane, and had the opportunity to purchase replica needlepoint bags just like Barbara Bush had made during her husband's campaign speeches (we declined). All in all, well worth the trip onto campus! And it was very cool to touch actual pieces of the Berlin Wall.

Then Monday night we participated in our last Supper Club. Supper Club is a product of Jamee's awesome brain in which she invites friends and family to come and share in a meal once a week to encourage the building of community. We loved Supper Club and were glad to get to enjoy it twice over our visit. Ang and I took charge and made mom's famous taco rice, which was loved by all. It worked out well, Justin brought queso (which, regardless of the crap he took for bringing it, was eaten heartily by all), Angie brought chips and guacamole, and Aggie Sarah brought cookie dough. And we all ate too much!

After dinner we headed outside where we engaged in a little sky soccer - a game invented by Angie and Hannah which has a lot of guidelines and no rules and involves a giant ball. I'm pretty sure by the end of the game there were no children involved and the tall people were enjoying themselves a little too much! Then we followed Hannah's lead and laid down on the grass to look at the stars. We did some "camping" and laughed and laughed and laughed. Really, I don't know when I've had such a good time. It's amazing how quickly you can forget how difficult life can be, all the stressors of your life, and just give in to something as simple as lying down and looking up at all the God has created. What an awesome night!

Tuesday we had to leave but it was a sweet goodbye (if there can ever be such a thing). We slept in, everyone, even the kids, and then we ate chocolate chip pancakes and played "store" with Hannah and David. While we packed the car David picked flowers for us and Hannah helped get Speedy and Gertie (our cars' beanie babies) ready for the drive. We hugged and smiled and promised to be together soon. A promise I know we'll all keep. And until then I'll keep all these pictures and memories close to my heart. God is good, all the time!