Priceless

You know how sometimes life just hands you gold? And by gold I mean comedy gold of course. (We learned about this in Monday night's lecture and I've been mining for it ever since.) How you can be engaged in a conversation or something can be happening around you and you just think to yourself - I've got a story here.

That happened to my yesterday. And I was so excited.

Yep. Comedy gold folks. That's what this is.

Now that I've set the bar way too high....here's my story.

Tuesday I went to Homeless Lunch as I do most Tuesdays. I went and I carried boxes, I unpacked clothes, I spread out books, I bagged saltines, I put everything out just so on the tables and carts. And then we opened the gates.

Now let me just explain for a minute, what it's like on a hot Tuesday at 11:01am in Hollywood, California when you're handing out free food and water. It's crazy. There are people who've been in line for several hours, scoping out the tennis shoes and flannel shirts and they get mad when people cut in front of them. Or they want to sneak out of the food line where I have to make them sign in and where I regulate the flow of people into our small area and grab that orange t-shirt they've been eyeing. Or they want a lunch for their friend who's in the park (a big no-no). Well this week I wasn't having any of it and I started laying down the law. A sample of my shouts:

"TWO ITEMS ONLY!"

"Um, do you want a lunch?"

"Excuse me!"

And so it goes. But I have been a teacher for nine years and so I also know how to be bi-polar when the moment requires it. I can scream and rant and vent and then I can turn around, put on my biggest, brightest smile and ask you about your day or your new haircut. And that's what I was doing Tuesday. Being my best selves. Tough and mean, sweet and helpful. All rolled into one.

Now onto the good stuff!

So my friend Jim and I were busy for the first 45 minutes or so handing out food when this couple comes up the line. They're a husband and wife, probably younger than me but look 10 years older, and they're regulars. I know they live on the street (some of our folks don't) and a few weeks ago they brought by their pet rat to show off. It was in a Build-A-Bear box. I kid you not.

So they come up the line and they both are just smiling and holding hands and looking so happy. I smiled back and got their lunches and the woman tells me about how she's going to start school that afternoon at a local community college. I told her how great that was (she'd seen my UCLA t-shirt and was excited we'd both be in school) and asked her if she wanted tuna or salmon for lunch. Her husband told her to get chicken and as he did so I couldn't help but notice he looked like the cat that got the canary. He was grinning from ear to ear and prodded her to tell me why she couldn't eat fish. By this point I was in on the secret. She was pregnant.

So she stands there and starts emptying her pockets, she says she has to "show" me her surprise. That they just found out a few hours ago. And can I just say, it was really sweet. I know they're homeless, and she's missing her two front teeth and they have a pet rat and no clothes, but they were just so excited. As she's emptying her pockets I look at what comes out: a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, a pouch of chewing tobacco. And then I stopped looking quickly.

And finally she finds it. The pregnancy test. She holds it out to me and I look, yep, there's the plus sign. And she's so excited. I smile and tell her congratulations and reinforce how great it is she's going to school and making things better for their family. And then Jim steps up to the conversation. She wants to show him too, as he hasn't been listening, and she does. And he's confused. He doesn't know what it is. And this part happened all so fast all I could do was stand there and grin along with them. Because I knew exactly what was happening.

Jim looks at her hands and thinks she's found something in her lunch bag: a needle, something that shouldn't be there maybe. So he takes the stick from her and puts it up close to his face to examine it. And I just laughed. And so did the couple. And finally I say, she's pregnant, it's a pregnancy test.

"Oh," is his response and he drops it quickly back into her hands. And they go on their way.

Jim and I both go to wash our hands and I can't help but bust a gut. It's funny. It's funny in that way that you know it'll get funnier the more you tell it. And I try to explain this to him. And he's still a little confused. He explains to me that as a man, and a gay man at that, he's never seen a pregnancy test before. Which made me laugh even harder. And again when I started telling the story - comedy gold I tell you, comedy gold.

Also, he wanted to know where that stick had been. When I explained that she'd peed on it he washed again and then announced he was going home to shower. Priceless.

So that's the story. That's the little nugget that will get tucked away in my brain and saved for a script some day. And that's what I love about life. Sometimes you get a gold in the form of a pee stick.