Hopeful

Things change. All the time. I'm aware of this and yet I'm also aware that some things stay the same no matter what. No matter how much you want them to change or no matter how many years pass.

Saturday I'll travel home to Michigan to spend Christmas with my family. This year will be different. My dad's parents have moved from the house they've lived in just blocks from my parents to an apartment an hour away. My mom's mother has been in a nursing home for the entire year. Last year Christmas was spent at both grandparent's homes. This year things will be very different.

As my life changes day in and day out, as I grow and work toward my career as a writer and educator, I realize that no one else stays the same. People grow up, people move, people get sick and have to have others take care of them. But it doesn't make it any easier. I am grateful to be able to spend time with the people I love, no matter where they are however, I'm also grateful for memories of Christmases past and time spent together under different circumstances.

My grandmother is having a hard time staying in the present. She's remembering things from long ago and sometimes I wonder if this isn't how the brain helps us cope. Her reality is a small room shared with another woman, a wheelchair and illness. Last year her reality was her house and walking, even if it was slowly. There are moments when I think about this and it's all I can do not to break down in sobs. However, there are also moments when I remind myself that my grandma is being taken care of and loved and that in three days I will get to hug her and see the smile on her face.

Christmas is such a time of hope. But it's also a time of change. When that little baby who would change the world was born, most people didn't realize what was happening. But what would transpire because of that one baby's birth...it's amazing to think about. Literally amazing (causing sudden wonder). So this Christmas, as I prepare myself for the baby's birth and the excitement of going home for the holidays amidst all the change, I'm thinking about all that change is, all that it can be, and all that it creates. And I'm hopeful. So very hopeful.

My advent devotion from the Hollywood UMC booklet

…be patient. Strengthen your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is near. Beloved, do not grumble against one another…

James 5:7-10

I usually think of myself as a very patient person. And then something happens like my computer freezes or the paycheck I’ve been waiting for doesn’t come in the mail or the water won’t boil for the rice and I lose it. I’ve been known to have complete meltdowns over the smallest of things. Sound familiar? Of course it does.

This happens to all of us. We spend good chunks of our lives waiting: in line, for others, to get through the day, to graduate, to find that perfect job (or any job), for Mister or Miss Right. We wait. And we try to be patient but it’s hard. Really hard. And so we grumble. Just like James advises us not to.

The sad part about grumbling is that it’s usually those closest to us who are the recipients. We strike out and they’re the ones within punching distance. And what we don’t remember while we’re doing it, is that it not only hurts them, it hurts us and it hurts our relationship with God. Every time we grumble, every time we’re impatient or allow our hearts to harden rather than be strengthened, we slip.

It’s been a difficult year for me for so many reasons and I know the same is true for many of you. But I also know that God wants me to continue to be patient: with Him, with the world, with myself. And as we embark upon this advent season, a season of waiting, joyous waiting, for the baby Jesus to be born, for Christmas spent with loved ones, for vacations and new years, I’m going to try and grumble less. I’m going to try and breathe more. And I’m going to try and remember that being patient is exactly what God wants from me. He wants me to know He is near. In fact, He is here. He’s everywhere.

Be present

Yesterday was not a good day. I woke up to an email explaining that one of the companies I work for (I'm a contract employee) laid off 700 people. This basically meant my contract wouldn't be renewed right away and I have no idea when/if it even will be renewed. Bad news as my current contract ended Sunday.

Things just got worse from there. Bills started rolling in that I have no idea how I'm going to pay. Angela's subbing hours have gone from robust to rare. She's subbed enough to keep her health insurance but it's not a good situation for someone who thrives best in her own classroom situation. There was talk of jobs that never come to fruition, resumes that apparently go unread (sitting in stacks of hundreds I'm sure), and what to do when we can't make rent anymore. There were tears and there was anger (it didn't help that the electrician turned the power off before I had saved my online gradebook). We enjoyed a good dinner of spaghetti and salad and were thankful for food in our stomachs but even though we know there are people out there starving, sometimes this does nothing to make us feel better.

I headed off to class, my last Creating for Television class at UCLA for the quarter, with a heavy heart. It's my last class for the foreseeable future. I just can't afford another quarter and though I know I've taken so much away from my time there, it's still hard to leave the comfort of a university and program and friends I've come to know well. But off I went.

We had a guest speaker who I found fascinating and the class went late. As the instructor wrapped up a little after ten he shared with us his last "nugget" of advice for the course:

Be Present.

He's been sharing nuggets with us all quarter and most of them are common sense stuff. Be nice. Work harder. Be grateful. And last night's was common sense as well but it was like I was hearing it for the first time. A light bulb would have gone off a top my head had I been in a cartoon strip.

Be present. It gets rid of fear and helps you to diminish the regret in your life. Be in the moment and don't allow other thoughts to creep in. It allows you to keep creating which is really fantastic, admirable even. Keep at it.

In that moment I recalled all those positive quotations and thoughts and encouragements I've gathered over my years. For some reason, I've always chose the most difficult road presented to me. I didn't settle down into a job right out of college, I went to grad school. I didn't settle down in a job right out of grad school, I wanted to keep teaching so I got four jobs, then five for a time. I wrote part-time. I created stories and scripts and novels. I sought out the roads that would help me fulfill my passion. Even if they were long and bumpy and fraught with potholes.

There are so many nights I lie in bed and beg God to help me understand the next step. I ask for guidance and aide and just a glimpse at the 'why' of it all. And then I scroll through the bible verses stored in my memory (not verbatim, my memory is a sieve with some big holes) and remember that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow. God will do that. I am supposed to believe and have faith and trust in him to direct my path.

And so last night, I did just that. I decided to be present, and to think about all the positives. To think, realistically, about how I could continue down a path toward my passions and goals but without becoming homeless or bankrupting the people I love.

There are no magic answers. I'm well aware of this, as much as I wished it was true. But I have faith and I believe that something will happen that will make it all "alright". And I know, God knows I know, that it's not meant to be easy. It's meant to be hard and heavy and heartbreaking. Because that gives us more fuel to get down the path.

So today I will be present. That's all I can manage at the moment. And I'll write a little. And I keep repeating one of my favorite quotations of all time:

There comes a point you think is the end. But it's only the beginning. -- Louis L'Amour