Be present

Yesterday was not a good day. I woke up to an email explaining that one of the companies I work for (I'm a contract employee) laid off 700 people. This basically meant my contract wouldn't be renewed right away and I have no idea when/if it even will be renewed. Bad news as my current contract ended Sunday.

Things just got worse from there. Bills started rolling in that I have no idea how I'm going to pay. Angela's subbing hours have gone from robust to rare. She's subbed enough to keep her health insurance but it's not a good situation for someone who thrives best in her own classroom situation. There was talk of jobs that never come to fruition, resumes that apparently go unread (sitting in stacks of hundreds I'm sure), and what to do when we can't make rent anymore. There were tears and there was anger (it didn't help that the electrician turned the power off before I had saved my online gradebook). We enjoyed a good dinner of spaghetti and salad and were thankful for food in our stomachs but even though we know there are people out there starving, sometimes this does nothing to make us feel better.

I headed off to class, my last Creating for Television class at UCLA for the quarter, with a heavy heart. It's my last class for the foreseeable future. I just can't afford another quarter and though I know I've taken so much away from my time there, it's still hard to leave the comfort of a university and program and friends I've come to know well. But off I went.

We had a guest speaker who I found fascinating and the class went late. As the instructor wrapped up a little after ten he shared with us his last "nugget" of advice for the course:

Be Present.

He's been sharing nuggets with us all quarter and most of them are common sense stuff. Be nice. Work harder. Be grateful. And last night's was common sense as well but it was like I was hearing it for the first time. A light bulb would have gone off a top my head had I been in a cartoon strip.

Be present. It gets rid of fear and helps you to diminish the regret in your life. Be in the moment and don't allow other thoughts to creep in. It allows you to keep creating which is really fantastic, admirable even. Keep at it.

In that moment I recalled all those positive quotations and thoughts and encouragements I've gathered over my years. For some reason, I've always chose the most difficult road presented to me. I didn't settle down into a job right out of college, I went to grad school. I didn't settle down in a job right out of grad school, I wanted to keep teaching so I got four jobs, then five for a time. I wrote part-time. I created stories and scripts and novels. I sought out the roads that would help me fulfill my passion. Even if they were long and bumpy and fraught with potholes.

There are so many nights I lie in bed and beg God to help me understand the next step. I ask for guidance and aide and just a glimpse at the 'why' of it all. And then I scroll through the bible verses stored in my memory (not verbatim, my memory is a sieve with some big holes) and remember that I am not supposed to worry about tomorrow. God will do that. I am supposed to believe and have faith and trust in him to direct my path.

And so last night, I did just that. I decided to be present, and to think about all the positives. To think, realistically, about how I could continue down a path toward my passions and goals but without becoming homeless or bankrupting the people I love.

There are no magic answers. I'm well aware of this, as much as I wished it was true. But I have faith and I believe that something will happen that will make it all "alright". And I know, God knows I know, that it's not meant to be easy. It's meant to be hard and heavy and heartbreaking. Because that gives us more fuel to get down the path.

So today I will be present. That's all I can manage at the moment. And I'll write a little. And I keep repeating one of my favorite quotations of all time:

There comes a point you think is the end. But it's only the beginning. -- Louis L'Amour