My heart. Broken again.

This morning I laced up my shoes in the dark and headed off for a shortened, early version of my daily walk. About three-quarters of the way through I noticed a woman up ahead, a hoodie wrapped around her, two dogs on leashes. I didn't catch up to her until the stoplight and when I did, I noticed the ensignia on her sweatshirt: the Revlon Walk for Women, the cancer walk that Angela and I have participated in several times over the last few years.

I thought about her sweatshirt as I pounded the pavement for several more blocks. And when we ended up at a stoplight a while later, and then crossed, I found myself waiting for her and her pups. I took off my earbuds and turned around.

"I just saw your sweatshirt and I wanted to say thank you, " I said.
"Oh, yeah, I walk for my grandma," she smiled back.
"My sister and I walked for our mom's best friend. She died yesterday of colon cancer and just seeing that on your shirt, it made me smile," I said.

She gave me her condolences and I hurried off, not wanting to burden her with my tears. I kept my earbuds out the rest of the way home, focused primarily on seeing my way through the tears.

Yesterday the world changed.

Marilyn. Mom #2. My mother's best friend. My touchstone. My heart. Broken again.

Right now there aren't too many words. Only tears. There aren't too many thoughts. Only tears. I'm sure I'll come up with some later. I'm sure I'll look at the photographs scattered around the house and recall the grand stories behind them. But not today. Today I mourn. Today I sit in stunned silence. Not really feeling fully what has transpired. Shock.

She fought. So long and so hard and with everything she could. She fought. We all saw it, even when she didn't want us too. We all knew the end would eventually come and while we're glad it wasn't five years ago like the doctors said it would be, we still all know it came too soon.

Dear Mom #2,

I love you. I still have a bunch of Hallmark cards to send to you. It's not fair. But then again, as you often said, that's tough shit.

I will always love you,

Sarah

Mom#2, Mom#1 & Me - Christmas 2013