This is what 39 looks like

October 18, 2016

I woke up yesterday morning at 6:05am. It was pitch dark out, cold in my bedroom with all the windows open but that good cold where your quilt is enough if you stay inside of it, and my sister was singing Happy Birthday to me at the top of her lungs from the hallway.

This is what 39 years old looks like.

I tied on my expensive running shoes that were an early birthday present from my parents this summer when I was home in Michigan and pulled on an old long sleeved tee and headed out the door. I spent the next 100 minutes walking almost five miles. Listening to a screenwriting podcast and chugging a lot of water.

Then I came home, got ready for the rest of the day, and took this photograph. #selfie #nofilter

This is what 39 years old looks like.

And then I headed out the door. Again. I landed at Hollywood UMC where I proceeded to chat with my friends, get birthday hugs, pass out 118 sack lunches, and be told I looked 25. I left with a spring in my step. Not because of the compliments but because of how busy we'd been, because Pauley had sent boxes with clothes for our guests, because we had a whole new supply of socks to give out, and because we had had a very good morning.

And then I received an SOS call from Angela. She needed help with a grant proposal at school and a deadline was involved. So I hightailed it over there and helped. I helped some more. And before we knew it, several brownies had been eaten, I had gotten several more birthday hugs, and it was time to head home.

This is what 39 looks like.

Angela made my mom's meatloaf. She poured me a glass of wine, I FaceTimed with my parents, I opened gifts from family and friends, and I ate chocolate cake with a side of chocolate chip ice cream. I sobbed over an episode of SCORPION. I laughed over an episode of ATLANTA and then over an episode of FRESH OFF THE BOAT. I texted with friends. I was overwhelmed by the birthday wishes on Facebook, Instagram, email, even LinkedIn. I posted pictures of my food and my cake to Instagram and I washed my face and put on the new nightgown my mom had picked out just for me.

This is what 39 looks like.

I did not read much of the news yesterday, I did not obsessively check Twitter. I did not pay attention to anything outside of my immediate reach. I was able to help feed some people lunch, and so I did. I was able to provide some people with clothing and toothpaste and hugs, and so I did. I was able to play grammar police and write a better sentence that will help a school, and so I did. I was able to crunch some numbers and help with a budget project, and so I did. I was able to work my PowerPoint magic (it's so not magic but people who hate or don't understand PowerPoint always think it is) and so I did. I was able to spend the day doing good. And so I did.

I did not write a new screenplay, or even a scene. But I came up with a title for a new project, while walking. I did not make any money yesterday, and that's alright. Because I think I made a tiny, small, almost-imperceptible difference, and that's all I am looking for most days. My voice was heard, loudly and softly and written down and shared. I was a part of the conspiracy of love that I'm so desperate to belong to (and thank you to all who shared my first vlog - 1,209 people have viewed it! That is amazing!).

This is what 39 looks like.

If you had asked me at 18 or even 25 or 30, what 39 would look like, I'd have had some guesses. And they all would have been wrong. This is not how I envisioned my life. Not that it's bad. Not that at all. I just had no idea this is the path I was headed down, and frankly I don't even know what the next part of the path looks like. I have very little idea of what the future holds for me. I will always be writing. I will always be creating. I will always be helping. I will always be loving. I just don't know what that will always look like. All I know is that this is what 39 looks like right now.

And I kinda love it.