You continue onward

Just over a week ago I spent a Saturday afternoon with Ava DuVernay and Oprah. Granted, it was me and 300 other people in a theater in Hollywood but still, it was an amazing experience. To sit and listen to one of my writing and directing idols was nothing short of fascinating (and as Oprah kept saying, so blown away, we gave up our Saturday afternoon to do it!).

Oprah & Ava

Ava was there to talk about her new television series QUEEN SUGAR. I've been watching the show since it started in September and I'm completely hooked. Laughing, crying, impressed that they've gone to so many places already, it's a family drama that I hope to watch unfold for years to come. But Ava also talked about her start in the business, about her work, about how she has made her movies in her way for herself, and how she's now doing that in television. And that struck me so, her tenacity, her fight to do it her way, because frankly, there is no other way -- at least in her mind. 

As Oprah interviewed Ava, she kept going back to the words, to the writing of everything. It was a Writers Guild Foundation event so this made complete sense but the way Oprah moved their conversation, I couldn't help but think, she gets it. My girl Oprah gets it! The words. They're important. The most important, in this process of film and television. Without the words? Nothing.

Swag from Oprah

QUEEN SUGAR started as a novel. And after a while the novelist, Natalie Baszile, joined Ava and Oprah on stage. They talked about her words and how they were crafted into what we see on screen each week and eventually the three main cast members joined everyone on stage. It was a great afternoon, hearing how the stories Ava and Natalie wanted to send out into the world got created. 

But Oprah kept going back to Ava and her process. How she approaches direction, how she approaches making her own films versus those using others' scripts, and how she perseveres even when it seems like the world is conspiring against her. And then finally Oprah asked Ava for some words of wisdom for all of us sitting there in that darkened theater on a sunny Southern California Saturday afternoon.

Ava talked about how we must tell our stories, how we must raise our voices but then Oprah said, well what if it's hard? What if you aren't getting the work or you aren't getting the job or no one wants to read your writing? And Ava said, simply, "You continue onward."

Those three words have stuck with me over the last week and a half. Life hasn't been all puppies and rainbows over here on Abbey Place.

Yes, things are fine. I'm fine. Angela's fine. But I'm tired of fine. I'm tired of smiling when someone asks what I do and saying, I'm a writer, and them asking what they've seen that I've written and I have to come back with nothing. I say it. I own it. But it's hard.

The two development deals fell apart almost before they got started. I made it to the second round of a couple fellowships and contests but no further. I get some great feedback and then nothing. A friend introduces me to a manager or agent and they don't return emails or don't connect with my work. I post online and nothing. I network and nothing. I'm tired of it all. 

I haven't written anything new in weeks. Yes, blogs and posts but nothing substantial. I've dug myself into volunteering - for Hillary, for Angela, for the homeless - and I've filled the days. I apply for teaching positions and don't hear back. I'm tired of it all. 

And yet?

I continue onward.

I don't know what else to do. I got up this morning, read the news, made a to do list, and settled in at my desk. I've befriended a fellow Women in Film member who's an actress who wants to make a web series so I've been working on that today. I'll do some writing on that this week. I'll pull out the start of a screenplay from last year and decide whether it's a movie or a novel. 

And I'll continue onward.

At some point, decisions will have to be made. Decisions that can only be made by me. I'll have to pick a path to go down, possibly a new path, a new adventure, in a new place, and that will be what happens. I don't know any other way. It's hard. Incredibly. There are so many what ifs, or if justs, that it's a guessing game all around. I realize that every day I get to sit in my chair in front of my keyboard is a very special day and I don't take that for granted. But I also realize that like Hamilton, and Shonda, the urge to #writelikeyourerunningoutoftime is all too real. And I know that whatever happens, I will always write. That will never change. And so? 

I continue onward. 

Life will be busy for the next few months. I'll write because time is running out. I'll keep volunteering. I'll celebrate my family being in Los Angeles for Thanksgiving. I'll celebrate Christmas in Michigan and a brand new year. Another year of yes. Another year of what's next. Because no matter what, you continue onward. Because that's all there is. That and the words.