Thoughts on Lent

Today was my assigned day for the Lenten devotional for Hollywood UMC: 

Genesis 9:8-17

God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the clouds….”

 

Growing up it rained a lot where I lived, in Michigan. It rained in every season. Sometimes a cold winter rain, sometimes a warm summer rain, sometimes the rain that seemed to set in and threaten to never end. We had raincoats and umbrellas and we’d put plastic bread wrappers in our boots so they wouldn’t leak. The rain would sometimes turn into ice and the rain would sometimes turn into green grass and tulips. It didn’t matter, we’d go about our business. Rain was a part of every day life. 

 

I now live in Los Angeles and when it rains here, it is an EVENT. People post about it online. Meetings are cancelled. Schools evoke emergency plans. Life is affected in major ways. Rain is extraordinary. But…unlike in Michigan where when the rains end, there’s usually a lot of wet gravel roads and grey days, Los Angeles knows how to shine when the skies clear up. We’re talking white puffy clouds in the blue horizon, shiny fresh pavement, and yes, often rainbows.

 

This passage in Genesis, the very beginning of the story, made me think about those rainbows after the rains in Los Angeles. And about Noah’s hope and his faith. He trusted God enough to do something that many might see as…well…a little bit bananas. He built an ark. And he followed God’s directions. But…that hope and that faith paid off in the form of a covenant, a rainbow. 

So many of us are waiting for those rains to clear, for the waters to subside, just like Noah was. And because we have this reminder from God himself, we know that our hope and our faith will be rewarded. The rainbow will appear. It might be faint, it might be tiny, some days it might even be far off in the distance. But we trust and know that it will appear. We know God keeps his promises. And we hold that belief close when it rains. 

 

Dear Lord – Thank you for such a visual, beautiful, reminder of your covenant. And for reminding us that it is for every single living creature on this earth. 🌈

My Advent Devotion

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

Isaiah 9:2

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness – on them light has shined.”

 

I’ve been thinking about how darkness has really settled into our bones as a society. For some, it started back in 2015. For others, years or decades or even centuries before that. A sense that there’s a cloud over everything, and it only intensified in 2020. That darkness seems to bear down even more harshly with every senseless act of violence or hatred or misogyny or ignorance. It covers us as a whole and as individuals. Rents go up, prices go up, wages stagnate, homes are lost, dreams are dashed. Life or death moments are literal states of life for so many. It’s sometimes hard to see light anywhere. 

 

But then we do. We, the people who walked in the darkness, we see it. Not all at once, sometimes barely enough to allow it to register. But we do. We experience it. We get a kind word from a stranger on the street. We get a hug from a loved one. We go the extra mile and it’s noticed. We taste our favorite flavor. We see a flower growing up through the cement in a parking lot. We take in a movie with friends and laugh and cry and smile on the way out. We get a Facetime call from a toddler. We realize a prayer we couldn’t even verbalize has been answered. We see the pink in the sky near the end of the day. We feel the Christmas spirit creeping in through tinsel and holiday lights and inflatable snowmen. That is the light. Those things are all the light.

 

And the reminder in the next part of these verses in Isaiah chapter nine is that a child will be born. And light will find us all through Him, because of Him. The baby is the reminder. The baby is the hope. The baby is the light. He will be laid in a manger, and we’ll sing songs about Him in our car and in the grocery store and, if we’re lucky, surrounded by people we love, and He’ll light the way because HE IS THE LIGHT. It’s so easy to forget that. It’s so easy to push that aside. But it matters. Despite all of the darkness we have seen, and continue to experience, as people of faith, we see the light, we experience the light, we love the light, we are the light. Because the light has shined upon us. We’re the lucky ones. We know what’s coming. And we get to share our light with others. And I hope you get to do that this season. 

 

Prayer:

Dear Lord, may we all get to feel your light this advent season. May we feel warmed and loved and lightened just enough to remember what you have promised and what is to come. Amen. 

Sara House

One of the first pictures of Sara & I

I put it off all day. Actually, I've put it off a lot longer than that. I'm really good at procrastinating. And then today I decided I wasn't going to do it. 

I just wasn't going to write about Sara. 

See, if I don't think about it, it might not be true. If I look at the photos on my phone in the Sara House folder, it's like she's right here. We were just together this summer in Michigan. We were together in Kalamazoo last summer. And the summer before that. Our last planned FaceTime is still on the calendar. 

But God's funny. And so as I was procrastinating, checking Facebook, a memory popped up. Of a blog I wrote 9 years ago today. A blog I wrote after Mom #2 passed away. A blog I wrote after a long fall of grief following a year where we'd lost three of our grandparents. Here's what I wrote: 

The grieving doesn't stop. The celebrating doesn't stop. There are still texts and lunch dates and the goings-on of the every day. And yet? The grieving doesn't stop. I know all too well from my short time on this earth that it never does. And so? We can't stop either. To live with that grief every day is to live. To love. To know that I was loved in return. And so I'll do that today. And tomorrow. Through smiles and through tears. I won't stop.

And that's when I realized I couldn't put it off anymore. I couldn't pretend not to grieve. I couldn't pretend not to be heartbroken. I couldn't pretend to not feel my throat get tight by the mere thought of Sara's funeral tomorrow. 

I met Sara House in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We met at church. It was a new kind of church start, Methodist, both of us born and bred, but it was in a theater, downtown. We did cool things like pray at stations and make crafts during worship and we sang a lot. We were both on the organizing committee, I don't know exactly what that meant. We were there early to set up and stayed to tear down and often went out to eat after as church was on Sunday nights. It was probably Sara who roped me into joining that committee, which was basically a social group. And as someone who'd recently finished grad school and was living alone for the first time ever, I appreciated having new friends. 

There wasn't really a get to know you period with Sara. I remember instantly hanging out at her house, going to the movies together, talking as if we'd known one another our whole lives. She was just that friend. We all know that one. That one person who's friends with EVERYONE. And I loved that about her. She was close with her family. She liked to make things. (She taught me how to make stained glass in her basement!) She was a teacher. We clicked. And her friends became mine and mine became hers. My circle got bigger, all thanks to her.

We kept in touch as she moved up the ranks of her district, becoming an amazing boss, helping the kids who needed it the most and as Angela and I moved around the country. We made a point to travel to see one another when we were in the same state. We were each others cheerleaders. And in 2020, we became lifelines. She initiated them, our regular FaceTimes. We'd talk about nothing and everything and sometimes about cancer. Sara was sick but that wasn't the most important thing in our conversations. 

I'm still not sure how to process what's happened. She's still supposed to be here with her big smile and her goofy sense of humor and her hugs and the way she'd yell my last name and laugh. She's still supposed to be in her little house in Kalamazoo, planning her next trip, excited for whatever we were doing, and recommending her favorite books to me. She's still supposed to be here. 

But she's not. 

My circle is smaller now.

And yet...it's not. Because of Sara I have all my memories. I have other people who loved her too who also love me. And I'm going to hold on to that. Today. Tomorrow. And forever. 

Sara House, you made my circle BIG. 

And you'll always be right there in it. I miss you, friend. I have been grieving you for months now. And I know it won't ever stop. I grieve you through tears and I grieve you through smiles. But mostly smiles. Love you, girl. 

The last picture of all of us, from this summer

Remembering Richard

I like to remember things and I get frustrated when I can't. That's why I journal, every night now for almost 25 years. It's why I blog, it's why I write. It's why I keep cards and mementos and things long past their usefulness. Objects and words evoke memories for me, as they do for most of us. And it's why I take pictures. I love taking pictures. Pictures transport us. They remind us. They stir us. They make us smile and make us cry and make us happy and make us remember. They transport us. 

But recently I've been trying to remember a particular day and I cannot. It's possible it's written down in a journal somewhere but I'm not sure it was. I don't have a picture of it either. Because so often, we don't know that a day will be important or noteworthy. The day I've been trying to remember is the day I met Richard Settle.

When Angela and I found our way to Hollywood United Methodist Church fifteen years ago, we never dreamed how so many of the members would impact our lives. How some would become family. How some would drift off after intense periods of friendship. How others would hurt us or love us or show us Jesus in so many ways. We rarely realize the impact people have on us as it's happening. And it was that way when we met Richard.

I imagine we met him that first day at HUMC because that was his way. For years he was the first person we'd be greeted by when we made our way to our seats in the sanctuary. (Us always halfway down on the left, him closer to the windows on the right.) He'd watch all who came in and he'd often be standing there, ready for a hello and a hug before we even set our purses down. He always asked about Mom and Dad, always wanted to know about school and work, and then he was off. To make someone else's morning brighter or to snap a picture. Or many pictures. Because Richard was the one who helped us remember. Through his love and through his photographs. (Side note: because it's who he was, one day Richard showed up at HUMC with a tripod that he said might have been older than me. It was in perfect working condition, still in its original box, and he wanted me to have it. I'd gotten a new camera and had been taking some photography classes and he insisted it would be good to have a tripod in my tool box. It was, it still is. I used it first to take photos at our Hollywood United Women of Faith Christmas party, turning the tree in the corner of the room into a little photo shoot area, and having such fun with our community of women that night! His thoughtful gift turned into so much more...) 

He was rarely without a camera around his neck or at his side. He was our community's collector of memories. It's what he did for a living and what he did for us. I have dozens of photos of myself taken by Richard. Too many to count. He was always there to snap a holiday pic or an important moment. He was so thoughtful in that way. Good photography requires a good eye, a strong sense of the moment, and a thoughtful consideration of the subject. And Richard was always so thoughtful, in his photographs and in his life. 

I do have four photos, yes, just four, of Richard that I or others took. The first is from a picnic we had at Sean and Lu's apartment building. It was a wonderful day full of sun and food and friends and games and laughter. I mostly remember getting terribly sunburned but also remember Richard taking over at one point and capturing smiling pictures of so many of us. But I'm so glad I snapped this picture of him. And I'm so glad to have this afternoon to look back on, of all of us, a community for sure.

Matt & Richard

The second picture is just a regular old Saturday game night. Lu was teaching us to play mahjong. Richard always had stories and tales to share and this night was no different. Sometimes it's those nights that add up that matter just as much...

Sarah, Angela, Sean, Monica & Richard (Lu behind the camera)

The third picture is one I'll treasure always because it's Richard doing what he was always doing, capturing the moments. To help us remember. 

Richard taking photos of a Halloween event at HUMC where Angela, Laura and I were playing games with some kiddos (credit unknown)

Finally, I have a picture of Richard, Angela and I serving communion at HUMC, something we did regularly. 

Angela, Sarah & Richard serving, others assisting and partaking (credit unknown)

This picture reminds me so much of who Richard was, and what his life stood for in my eyes: service. Service to his country, he was a proud Navy veteran. Service to his community, he worked in the entertainment industry, and in local politics, documenting events and history over decades. And service to his family, his church, and his faith. He's the person who took us on a tour of the HUMC Bell Tower when we first arrived and shared so much of the building and community's history with us. He's the person who greeted us without fail every single week. He served communion and documented baptisms and so many celebrations. And I'm not sure I ever got to thank him for that. For any of that. It was always a given that Richard would be there, snapping pictures, sharing a smile or a hug. But as too often happens, people leave us. And back in July, Richard did just that. 

As the church and community prepares to honor him this weekend, I pray he's up there taking photos of all who went before him and all who'll follow him someday, reveling in the wonder of it all, doing something that seemed to bring him so much joy. And I'll always be thankful for his time down here with us. Being the one to remind us. To help us remember. I'll remember Richard always. And I'm thankful for every photo that can transport me back to a day or a moment that he was a part of. 

He always made us smile, for the camera, and in life. The best smiles. Thank you, for that Richard. We love you. We miss you and your gifts. But we're so thankful to have known you, to have had you be a part of our LA family. 

Dad, Sarah, Angela & Mom, photo by Richard Settle

Lenten Thoughts

Today was my assigned day for the Lenten devotional for Hollywood UMC:

Matthew 6:1-6

Beware of practicing your piety before others in order to be seen by them; for then you have no reward from your Father in heaven. 

 

In The Message bible, there is a passage in these verses from Matthew that made me sit up straighter as I read: “When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.” 

 

I’ve read this passage over and over again in my life. It’s one I’ve tattooed on my heart. Do good deeds, help people out, be of service – just quietly, without drawing attention. I was taught to do that from a very early age. We helped in the church kitchen during Sunday brunches. We served coffee at funeral luncheons. We staffed the nursery, taught Bible school, helped on mission projects. And it didn’t just apply to church activities. If someone needed something, you did it. You left food on the doorstep if someone was sick. You gave someone a ride. You put extra in the collection plate for the family who needed it. You mailed off cards with words of encouragement. But it was always to be done without expectation of anything in return. It was always to be done behind the scenes.

 

That phrase sticks with me, but also the part about that’s how God works. And I don’t know why I never really thought of it that way before. God is always working behind the scenes. He isn’t out and about making grand pronouncements, “Look at how I orchestrated that!” or “Woo, that was an awesome save!” or “Did you see what happened when you didn’t get what you wanted but then got something way better?!” 

 

And I also like the reminder that God isn’t just playing puppet master either. Rather, He’s helping us out. He’s reminding us that He’ll always be right there, behind the scenes, ready to jump in when necessary, even if we don’t ask for His help, especially when we don’t ask for His help. He’s that friend who always seems to know just when to send the “thinking of you” text. He’s that person who gives you the most unexpected gift that was exactly what you needed. He’s the family member who loves you no matter how many times, or ways, you screw up. 

 

And because of His example, we are reminded, again, to also work behind the scenes. Do what needs to be done. Pray the prayers. Worship. Love. Be there. But not in a way that is expectant of anything in return. Not in a way that demands attention. But in a way that helps others out. Just as God helps us out. A reminder I’m beyond thankful for this Lenten season.

 

Dear Lord – Thank you for always being right there with us, and for us. Thank you for working behind the scenes. For loving us even when we forget you’re nearby. May your actions be a reminder to us to do the same.

The First Cut

Last night I sat in front of my computer, my hands clasped in my lap, and tried not to throw up. I honestly hadn't felt that nervous in such a long time, if ever. I felt clammy and anxious and like the world was seeing everything inside of me: my guts, my heart, my brain. 

It was terrifying. 

So what was I doing last night? 

Oh, just watching the first cut of my directorial debut, the short film LAUGHING AGAIN. 

Remember the eight months of work I mentioned back in my last blog on this project? Yeah, we're up to 12 now. We've been working on this project for almost an entire year. And I say we because this isn't just me, it isn't just the actors, it isn't just Ayelette. It's so many people. And for the last few months it's been our director of photography turned editor, Tyson. He's been sculpting our hours and hours of footage into the 12 minutes and 3 seconds of what he sent me last night.

So what's next you might ask? 

Well...now I get to work. I have to watch the cut a million more times and Tyson and I will make notes and changes and add stuff and take away stuff. We'll make sure the sound is perfect and the color is exact and that shot with the boom mic dipping into it gets replaced. We'll figure out the transitions and the music and the credit sequence and the title card. We'll make so many little decisions. Tyson and I will work together for a few more months. And then, God willing, we'll lock picture! 

That's when we'll have a short film that's ready to go out into the world. That we can show to everyone we know, and everyone we don't. That we can submit to festivals (Ayelette and I have been working on festival submissions since August) and premiere to audiences.

In the meantime, I need to get back to work. I need to watch the cut again. Am I still nervous? Maybe even more so. You know that feeling you get when you ride a roller coaster for the second time? After you already know what's coming? And the anticipation is more intense than the experience itself? That's where I am -- on that rollercoaster.

But it's an amazing ride. I'm so proud of the work we've already done together, and excited for what's to come. I love this story, and even if it's scary to put my work out there for the world to see and hear, I'm ready to do it. Stories are meant to be told, and we're about to tell this one!

My Advent Devotion

 Isaiah 40:1-5

“Prepare ye the way of the LORD; make his paths straight…Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain shall be made low; then the glory of the LORD shall be revealed.”

 

In the note next to this passage in my student Bible it says that beginning in this passage, Isaiah’s emphasis has moved toward comfort and that comfort will ultimately come through God’s arrival, which we should prepare for. That one word stuck out to me as I read the passage and the note over and over: comfort.

 

I used to think of my faith as comforting. I fell back on it in times of celebration or concern, in times of stress or skepticism. The words on the pages of my Bible comforted me. My prayers comforted me. Worshiping comforted me. But now, I’m not as comforted. I’m not as consoled when I pray. I have a harder time quieting my soul, voicing my prayers, lifting my praise. I definitely get the sense that I’m in this desert Isaiah describes, but I’m not so sure how to prepare the way for the Lord anymore.

 

Health issues. Employment issues. Creative issues. Political issues. Violence. War. Fear. Terror. All of this and more starts to untether us from our faith. To do the exact opposite of comfort us. And yet, we are directed to work harder, prepare more, raise up every valley, lower every mountain. 

 

That. 

Is. 

Overwhelming. 

 

All of it. 

 

And yet, while I start to feel untethered, just by coming back to the Bible, by coming back to these words, by coming back to the shortest and least descriptive prayers I pray in the middle of the night, I know, deep down, that I am still tethered. We all are. We believe. We love because He first loved us. 

 

And so, we get to work. Even when we don’t want to. Even when we feel empty down to our soles. Even when we don’t have an inch left to give. We get to work. 

 

We know that God will always be there for us, even when we feel less than comforted. We know that God will always be there for us, even when we feel judged. We know that God will always be there.

 

And so, we prepare the way for Him. We open our hearts. We take another breath and the tiniest step toward him. And that is all we have to do. 

 

Preparation can be comfort. It can be a reminder that despite what the world around us might look and feel like, it’s what’s in our hearts that matters. Our love matters. God’s love matters. 

 

So, we prepare…because He’ll be back. That baby always comes back to share His hope. Thank God, literally. 

 

 

Prayer:

Thank you, God. Thank you for the smallest, and the biggest, reminders of what you can do, of who you are, and of how you comfort us, day in and day out, even when we forget.  Amen.