A view askew night

Saturday night Angela and I ventured downtown L.A. to the Orpheum theater - a beautiful, very ornate old building with surprisingly easy to find parking. We went to see Kevin Smith on stage for one of his Q & A shows. We'd gotten the tickets in June, a birthday gift from my parents, and we had second row center (yet on an aisle!) seats. We were excited.

Kevin Smith, for those of you who don't know, is a screenwriter, director and actor. He made his first movie, Clerks, in 1994 in the convenience store where he worked. His films are known for their fast-paced dialogue, for introducing the world to Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, for being completely past the line of taste at time, and most of all for being funny.

I first discovered Kevin Smith in college, when his movie Dogma came out. It the film Smith skewers the Catholic church and religion as a whole. But he does it in only the way a lifelong Catholic could do and get away with it. And there's a poop monster in the movie. You have to see it to understand. And laugh. But anyway, I was told by some friends that Dogma probably wasn't the movie for me seeings how I was very active in church and a person of strong faith. I shrugged and said okay. Then I saw it for myself. And loved it.

So fast forward over ten years. Kevin's made a bunch more movies, written blogs, produced hundreds of hours of podcasts and I've been a loyal fan all along. So Saturday, getting to sit and listen to this master storyteller talk about working with George Carlin and Bruce Willis and ordering eight hundred dollars of food online was just pure enjoyment. It was also very cool to sit mere feet across the aisle from Jason Mewes, one of Kevin's best friends and fellow actor in all his movies, and to see his wife in the balcony laugh along with stories she's probably okay with never hearing again.

It was just such a unique experience. And one I'm still amazed I had. Especially that I had it so easily. It took us twenty minutes to drive downtown (and there was a lot of traffic and an out light!) and we were there. Back as a college student at Olivet seeing a Kevin Smith movie for the first time I never would have dreamed I'd arrive the point in my life where one night in October I'd get to drive a few miles and sit right in front of the man who wrote all these movies that have entertained me countless times. So thanks Mom and Dad, for giving me one of the best birthday presents yet!

Workin' on my slapshot

I envy those people who go to work and do a job and at the end of the day have tangible results. Maybe it's receipts of items sold. Maybe it's a harvest. Maybe it's grades earned by students. Maybe it's patients cared for. Maybe it's widgets made.

When I go to work (and I'm not talking teaching here, I consider that one job, and I consider writing another job) and do my job I rarely have tangible results. I feel a little like what the philosophers must have felt like back in the day. If you watch The Big Bang Theory (and you really really should if you don't) you'll remember the sequence in this week's episode where Sheldon and Raj worked - basically they stood around and stared at equations for days on end. That's often what I do.

I've been working on my current screenplay since February. Technically, if you count the Final Draft document files, I'm on draft eight. But in reality, this draft is probably somewhere in the hundreds. I write and I change and I move and I rewrite. And then often I sit and stare. I did that for a good portion of today.

I have a good draft done. Angela thinks it's good. I think it's the best yet. People ask me when I'm going to send it out to producers and managers and anyone who'll accept an email attachment. And I stop dead in my tracks. It's not ready to go out yet. Not at all.

I'm not one of those people who thinks her work is precious. I know it is. It's precious to me. But I also know it's not sacred. I know that once I put it out into the world it is no longer my own. That begins when I show it to a friend or family member to read. That begins the second the words print out of the printer. Communication is as much about the receiver as it is the sender. It's not all about how I intend the message, it's about how you receive it.

So I have this draft. This draft that has taken almost eight months to come into being. This draft that changed quite a bit after a hard core plot session with Angela on Saturday afternoon. This draft that has jokes I love and is missing jokes I adore. This draft is good but not excellent.

So today I made a note card for every single scene in my film. I charted the entire plot. I wrote fifteen incantations of a logline before I came up with a simple sentence that defines my story. I went over notes from a whole year of study at UCLA. I went over notes from books and reels of movies stored in my mind.

And I realized two things. One, I have some work to do. But two, I can do it. Am I scared? Of course. Out of my mind. I cannot imagine sending someone my screenplay, these characters I have birthed, this world I have created, these words I have agonized over, and have them rip it to shreds. I cannot imagine having someone reject it as I know it will be. But I've also realized something else. I have to do this. I have to because it's my job. It's me.

I don't get paid to sit and stare at note cards for six hours on a rainy Wednesday afternoon. I don't get paid to come up with countless spec ideas for an episode of Bones. Yes, there are people who do get paid to do these things and I pray that one day, I will be among that group but guess what? I do it already, for free, because I have to. It's who I am. It's what I am.

Every time I think about giving up or wishing it was easier I think about athletes who spend countless hours training to get where they are. That's what I'm doing. I'm training. I'm trying to make my game the best it can be before I get in front of all those scouts. Because no one's going to pick me if I can't make free throws or get the puck to the net. And I really really really wanna be picked.

Blessings in no particular order

One of the nicest parts about my parents' retirement for me has been the opportunity to have conversations with them during the day. See, I work from home, so I have a flexible schedule. Sometimes this means I can take my sister's car into the garage for repairs (as I did today), volunteer at church (as I did Tuesday) or even work, as I do most days. But I also get to sneak in some quality phone time, something I've been doing lately with my parents who are back home in the eastern time zone.

And today as I was talking with my mom I realized something. I realized that I am blessed. I am so blessed. My whole family is really. But mostly me. I have parents who have loved and cared for me and still worry and care for me almost thirty-two years later. I have a host of people back home, and all around the world literally, who care for me. And I'm well. I can work. I can go out with friends. I have a house and food in the cupboards and heat and clothing and all that stuff one needs to live a normal life.

But mostly I am well. And I take that for granted too much of the time. Sure I've had a touch of the flu this week but who hasn't. And I thought about it as I was eating the eggs and toast Angela made me for dinner tonight as I laid on the couch. I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.

Because there are people who aren't. There are people in my life who might not be. And that breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to know that someone I love so dearly, someone who helped raise me, is hurting, isn't well. And I need to be thankful for what I have.

So here's my top ten list today. The things are I am thankful for on this Friday in October (in no particular order):
10. My parents and Angela.
9. My fingers that help connect what my brain says to the paper in front of me so I can do my job and write.
8. People who've known me only 365 days yet think I'm someone they should invest in. And that they went ahead and gave me a scholarship to prove it.
7. The Internet. It keeps me connected (sometimes, a little too frequently) to the outside world, to my family and friends, to people.
6. Warm blankets on my bed and windows that keep the wind out.
5. Legs and arms to carry me to the grocery store and lift all the packages that will sustain me through the week.
4. God. Even though we don't talk as often as we probably should, I know he listens when I whisper my pleas. I know he cares. And I know he loves me.
3. My hair. I really like my hair and I'm thankful it's full and pretty and getting long. Yeah, so what. I'm thankful for it.
2. My job. I make just enough to live on and that's really all I need, all anyone needs.
1. The past thirty-one years. For every single thing, event, person that's touched me. For all the good and the bad. It's brought me here, to this moment. And I wouldn't change a second of it.