Clowin' around

Last Monday a box arrived in the mail from my parents. My birthday had passed and I wasn't expecting anything so I ripped it open with much curiosity. And inside I found a little piece of my family's history -- the clown costumes you see above and below.

My mom made these costumes back around 1979, and they've been worn by countless members of my family and peer group ever since. First by my parents and myself and most recently by Angela and I at our Halloween party Saturday night. But what was even more exciting than receiving the costumes in the mail was the memories they brought flooding back.

Halloween was always done right in my house. Each year we'd have a sloppy joe supper with the Roxberry family and then we'd bundle up and go out trick or treating. We'd hit Grandma MacDonald's house, Grandma and Grandpa Boutell's house, and Grandma Eileen's house for sure, and whatever else we ran into in between. There were years when no one saw our costumes because it was so cold we had to wear coats and hats and mittens. There were years it poured rain all night. Years we could barely fit in the Astro van doors (the year Angela and I went as a pair of dice) and years we wore elaborately homemade costumes lovingly sewed by our moms. Regardless, each year -- Halloween was special. And I love that. I love that it meant family time - even when I was older, I'd always volunteer to pass out candy and hang out watching the holiday specials on TV with whoever else stuck around. Halloween wasn't about the candy or the costumes as much as it was about the experience, the being together, the laughter and the fun. And it still is.

We had a wonderful party Saturday night with friends from all over Los Angeles - friends who'd never met each other before that night but who chatted and ate and laughed and enjoyed themselves. And yes, we clowned around. So thanks, Mom and Dad. I love that you shared these costumes with us. I love that I get to carry on the tradition. And I love that I have the picture above to remind me of those very first clowns! Happy Halloween everyone!

Learning about the world

For the past six weeks the Bible study I help to lead at Hollywood United Methodist Church has been going through a study guide entitled "Building Bridges of Understanding: An Interfaith Response to September 11". It was created by the California Council on Churches (which includes HUMC's pastor) back in 2003 and includes studies on Hunduism, Judaism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam and Sikhism. And boy, can I just say? It's been an eye-opening six weeks. 

Before I started this study I thought of myself as a fairly knowledgeable person when it comes to spirituality and current events. I read the newspaper daily, I read weekly news magazines, I watch The Daily Show, I follow what's going on in the world. But until last week I apparently had no idea what the religion of Islam really was all about. And I'm shocked by what little I knew about so much else. 

It was an interesting study and one I hope is only just beginning. I feel like I am so much more knowledgeable now but I know there is still so much more to learn. And I feel like this is a responsibility I have as a citizen of the world, as a Christian, as a writer. I'm sad to say most of what I knew about Muslims prior to this was from news organizations and television shows, with an occasional movie thrown in for good measure. But guess what? NCIS: Los Angeles and CNN have a narrow handle on what Muslims stand for, how they practice their religion and what they actually believe (did you know the Qur'an contains the New Testament teachings of Jesus? or that jihad has two basic meanings: to struggle in defense of the faith; the spiritual struggle to become a better Muslim - and that it does not mean "holy war"???)

So it's been a good six weeks, and next we're studying the book of Romans. But I'm not going to stop with my own study of world religions because for every fact we learned, we raised another question and I intend to find answers. 

October 18th

I was born on October 18th, 1977 at five a.m. My guess is my mom wasn't looking at the clock so I have no idea if it was five oh-one or five twelve and it doesn't really matter. Apparently I was always an early riser. To this day I feel a bit like my day's wasted if I don't get up before 9am. (It used to be 8am but I'm working on some of my issues, it's important to have priorities.)

I don't remember many of my early birthdays, frankly those who do kinda freak me out. And they really make me feel like a slacker. But I remember happy pictures of my pregnant mom in a yellow t-shirt with a chick on the front. I remember pictures of the baby birthday cake she made for all the first year celebrations back then, a tiny teddy bear that she'd frost in stars and that was all yours. I bet it was good.

I remember a Dukes of Hazard cake sometime in the early eighties. It was the General Lee, of course. And I had Daisy Duke pajamas (a nightgown out of that horrible synthetic material my dad loathed with a silk screened picture of short shorts and a plaid shirt tied up high). I remember going to Ponderosa for several birthdays. I remember one when my grandparents were there but my dad wasn't, I think he had a college class that night.

I remember always wishing for snow. I still do (I live near Hollywood now, anything's possible). Some years I'd get flurries and I'd be ecstatic. Some years I'd get warm weather. Most years? Rain. That's what Michigan's good for in the fall and spring. 

I remember big celebrations with family from all over the state and friends. Birthdays were (and still are) a big deal in my family. Parties with sloppy joes and huge cakes, five quart buckets of ice cream and hours of sitting around and talking.

I remember my sixteenth birthday party. I had a new smart pant suit (don't ask, it was the early nineties) and I went with my Grandma MacDonald somewhere after church, I think to a reception at the local newspaper. I remember meeting a reporter, and it seemed very grown up and cool. I also remember the ring that I had picked out as a gift from my Grandma and my parents. It was a birthstone ring (that I wear daily still, eighteen years later) that I chose rather than having a class ring (I later got my Grandma's class ring which is way cooler than mine would have ever been). Sitting on the floor (there were never enough chairs) I opened the ring box in front of all these people and it was a fake. It was a huge gaudy thing my mom had a friend's daughter craft for her. My mom loves surprises - you've been warned.

I remember the year I got my varsity jacket for my birthday my sophomore year of high school. I'd gotten my varsity letter my freshman year which was pretty awesome. I remember not taking it off the whole day.

I remember going to get my driver's license on the day I turned sixteen. I wore these big earrings that had come from the south, from my grandparents who traveled all the time. They were wooden and painted bright colors and they were the shape of a cow's head. Yep, that was my driver's license photo until I turned twenty-one.

I remember turning twenty-one on a Sunday and they announced it during church. I was the youth group leader at the time and the kids surprised me at the meeting that night with a cake, ice cream and presents. 

The next year I lived on campus at Olivet College and my housemates made me a spaghetti

 dinner which was quite impressive as we rarely cooked at our house. There were gifts and cupcakes and everyone just hung out together that night.

I remember the year in grad school when Angela and our roommate Noelle took me to Bill Knapp's for lunch and they made me wear an over the hill hat. That was the same year I was the youth group leader at a different church and those kids toilet papered my car (and covered it in animal crackers). The other leaders had a surprise party for me that night too. 

One year I went to the apple orchard with Angela and my friend Betsy and I remember thinking fall was the perfect time for birthdays. Everything's starting over (I will perpetually be in a school-calendar mindset) and you have so much to look forward to. 

The year I turned twenty-five my parents surprised me twice. They showed up at my apartment in Kalamazoo after saying they weren't going to make the two hour trip and then they gave me a plane ticket to D.C. to visit a friend. Also, the clown at TGI Friday's made me wear a monkey hat the whole meal. Everyone loved it. Looking back, I did too.

One year Angela threw me a surprise dance party which was amazing. She held it at the Wesley Foundation on campus at WMU and they rented lights and put up sound equipment and we danced for hours and hours. Better than any bar birthday I could have ever had.

The year I woke up at the Bellagio on my birthday was pretty good too. We had lunch by the pool, sat in the hot tub, got free drinks from some guys at a very nice Italian restaurant (I remember the fact that the waitress gave us another set of free drinks in to-go cups as we left most vividly), did jello shots at one end of the strip and played poker at another end. That was a fun birthday. 

The year Angela managed to get frosting all over our Abbey Place kitchen (including the ceiling) was memorable as well, for another reason last year when I had to go to the clinic for bronchitis was also memorable. 

This year I've already celebrated so much. I have an awesome new bed that my parents gifted me with (I moved from a twin to a queen!). My writers' group had a cake and sang for me Sunday. Angela is preparing meatloaf (one of my favorites!) for tonight. I am blessed. Not just for today and for the birthday wishes but for all the memories. For all the people that have crossed my path, made my days brighter and lifted my spirits continuously. I am far away from so many of you today but it doesn't feel that way because I carry you all in my heart.

Believing in what's next

I've been working with a literary management company for the entire year. And as most of you know, I've been pretty quiet on the subject. In Los Angeles people aren't really sure what managers do. They know what agents do (get you jobs/sell your work) and they really know what lawyers do. But managers are a new entity in the marketplace and one that hasn't been fully defined. Some are simply creative people wanting to help writers/actors/directors/producers become better at their craft. Some are producers who are looking for their next big project. I have friends who have managers and lawyers. Friends who have agents and lawyers. Friends who have just managers. It really depends on where you are in your career, who you like working with, etc. It's very individual.

And as I said, I've been working with this management company for a while now. And it's been an education and an interesting ride. And I've learned a lot, mostly about myself as a writer and as a professional. And I a couple of weeks ago they offered me a contract. I knew it was coming, they're a new company and they've been preparing me for this day. However, I didn't know exactly how I'd react.

I took a week to think about it. I talked with friends (some of whom are working with the managers as well, some who aren't). I talked with a lawyer. I had daydreams about possibilities. I had nightmares about possibilities. I worried, I cried, I made lists, I prayed. And I realized, with the help of some friends and my family, that ultimately if the company and I weren't a good fit, we just weren't a good fit.

So I made the first big decision of my professional writing career: not to sign with the management company. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Mostly because I knew what I was going to do from moment one but didn't want to admit it, to myself. I'm terrified of what will come next. I'm more terrified that nothing will come next. But I'm also confident in my abilities and in my perseverance.

The future is always uncertain, for every single one of us. We don't know if we'll get a tomorrow or a next year or a fifty years from now. We don't know if we'll find that perfect job, meet that perfect mate or end up with something completely different than what we envisioned. But for now, I take solace in the fact that I made a choice. I made a decision and I believe in it. I have faith that what's next will be awesome. What's next will be better because I am a better person for having gone through this experience. I'm moving on, toward the next big thing. Who's going with me?