I wish I knew the rules. People seem to be constantly changing them. When you’re little, you know the rules, and if you step outside of them, people let you know. Go to bed, go to school, get good grades, eat your peas. Even if you didn’t agree with the rules, you knew the consequences and you were pretty confident that life would be okay even if you broke the rules. Your parents would still love you and you wouldn’t die. But today, as an adult, the rules are different and I don’t like it. In fact, I hate it. And the people who change them.
When you’re little, the grown-ups call the shots. That’s expected. But now, we often don’t know who’s in charge. We think we are for a while and then bam! we’re not. Someone who thinks that just because they pay us, they get to control us, and mess with our lives, is in charge. And it’s frustrating, maddening, back breaking. I just want a rule book. Is that so much to ask? Just a brief course in what’s right and wrong and how to navigate the trails and maybe a suggestion for some shortcuts. I’m not asking for much here. Not much at all. I feel that other people know these shortcuts and I’d like to be a member of that club. I feel I’ve paid my dues.
I’m frustrated because I have been trying to line up a sub for a class for 4 weeks now. I’ve spoken with my boss on several occasions, okay, never actually spoken. I’ve left voicemails and emails and voicemails and emails. And I don’t get much response. And today I get one and she changes the rules and tells me she thinks the new ones are fair. And I think they suck.
I just want to go on vacation. Is that too much to ask? Six short days, other people seem to do it all the time. I’ve even heard people go for two or three weeks. Not me, just six days, including travel time. I don’t get to do it much because of my schedule. My semesters and quarters never seem to overlap so when I do get some time off, it’s usually an evening or morning when I have class at another time during the day or week. And I’m all set for this spring break – and now someone’s messing with it.
I know in the grand scheme of things, it’ll work out. I trust God in that way. I know He loves me and has good plans for me and that he wants me to visit Angela as much as I want to visit her. But right now, sitting in a coffee shop because I still can’t go home (wet carpet), I feel desperate. Desperate for hope.
Also, it doesn’t help that I got another rejection letter today. This time from KVCC, where I actually work. Apparently I am qualified to teach English as adjunct faculty but not as full-time faculty. Go figure. God – I really need a vacation.