A Shadow on the NCIS set

"I don't understand wanting to be at a party by yourself, I really don't." -- Ava DuVernay

I heard Ava say that on a podcast yesterday. She went on to talk about creating opportunities for others, speaking specifically of black people, women, and minorities. She talked about how this industry is social, it's all about who you know.

"Hollywood is wired like that. The real inclusion and diversity is going to be when we know each other. It's not checking off quotas of how many women and how many black people you let do the job. It's do you really know us and feel comfortable with us. And do we feel comfortable with you to be our true selves," said Ava.

Rocky Carroll & I on the set of NCIS

A few weeks ago I got an invitation to a party from one of my first Los Angeles friends, Pauley Perrette. The party? The filming of an episode of the show she stars on, NCIS. And I accepted that invitation so fast my head started to spin. I also accepted that invitation with gratitude and love and appreciation. It's not an invitation that many get. Especially not many women. And when Pauley first asked me, back in December, if I'd like to shadow a director on her show, I was blown away. Pauley is a sweetheart, this is not news. Pauley also has given me many gifts over our almost decade-long friendship. But this was a gift like nothing I'd ever been given before. And one I knew could change my life.

And so she arranged it: I would shadow Rocky Carroll, for the upcoming episode he was directing of the show's 15th season. Rocky also stars on the show as Director Vance. He's relatively new to directing (in his words), this marking only his seventh time behind the lens of the CBS drama. He would also act in this episode so I'd get to see some of both of his worlds.

It all came together quickly and I found myself on the NCIS sound stages on a bright Thursday afternoon in February, sitting in the back of a conference room, listening to the table read of the episode Rocky would be directing. Basically the actors and director and some producers and key crew members gather together and listen to the actors read the script aloud. It takes just under an hour. Afterwards I met Rocky and told him I'd see him on Friday. He said I could come in around 10 or 11am, whenever I wanted. I asked him what time he'd arrive. He said 7am. I told him I'd see him at seven.

And so began my nine days shadowing a working television director. (Each episode takes 8 days shoot, and then 1 day for the table read.) Every day was a long day. Shooting lasted for at least 12 hours each day, with our longest day being closer to 16 hours on set. Add in an hour's drive time each way for me and it made for a long few weeks. (Add in a head cold I got the first day on set and it became a little bit longer.) But in those long hours I learned so much more than I could have ever imagined.

I learned that communication is a director's best friend. In my shadowing I would literally just follow Rocky around all day long. And he was awesome about this. He'd get up from his chair and go talk to an actor and I'd follow him and stand a foot away, listening to their conversation. He'd sit behind video village (a large cart with several monitors where the director and other crew members can watch the take from the camera feeds) and talk to the director of photography and I'd sit next to them and listen. I watched as he'd take an idea from the writer of the episode or the script supervisor or the executive producer and go relay that to his team, to the camera operators or the sound guy or the actors. I was just always there, right next to him, right beside him, right across from him. I got really good about flattening myself against walls during rehearsals or being silent as I stood in the room watching a take live.

And yes, I really did just watch and listen, literally acting as Rocky's shadow. And Rocky was an amazing teacher. He said he's new to this directing thing but really, he's great at it and knows just how to go about it. His cast and crew all love him and that shows in the respect he commands in the room, a respect he wields well to tell the best version of the story possible. So often he'd turn to me and explain his thinking behind a specific choice or a shot or a decision. He'd include me when talking to other crew members, widening the circle enough so that I felt welcome to join and listen in. He'd ask me about my projects and share stories of his own independent projects.

Having only been on a few film sets before I had just the barest idea of what it takes to pull together a frame of television or a movie. But seeing an entire episode filmed start to finish was something else all together. I saw how each department had to work together, how each department really was essential in telling the story. I also saw how much work some of the shortest scenes can take to film. An eighth of a page? Oh, we'll be done in no time. Cue us sitting behind video village, still waiting, four hours later, not having shot one single frame of film. And yet? Work had been happening the entire time.

I'm still processing so much about my time on set. With all of the waiting I was able to meet most of the people on the crew and who work on the show (around 200) and talk to a lot of them about their job responsibilities. (This happened a lot at craft services, i.e., where the food was.) I got to spend time talking shots with the cinematographer. I got to talk sound with the boom operator. I got to talk bullet wound placement with the makeup artists (who have the best coffee on set in their trailer). I got to hear about the life of a guest star while talking to the "bad guys" of the week who were there just to act in this particular episode. I learned a lot from the stand-ins who literally stand in for the actors, who go through the motions of the scene and read the lines, so that lighting and all other departments can get the scene ready for the actors to do their thing. (One of the stand-ins took me to the deli/ice cream trailer my second day on set. I will forever be grateful to her for this kind, kind, gesture.) I had several conversations, and listened in on several others, with Robert Wagner, an actor who has been in this business longer than most of us have been alive. (His first IMDB credit is 1950.) I got to be a fly on the wall as the show's stars chatted about every day things and the show's crew discussed weekend plans. I got to learn from some real professionals who have made 350 episodes of television together. (Yes, many of the cast and crew have been with the show since the start, over 15 years ago, and some were on JAG before that.)

And for a few days I got to get a giant hug first thing in the morning from my friend Pauley. Watching her work was great fun and chatting with her behind takes, having her introduce me to even more and more people on set, was wonderful. But reveling in the fact that she made the effort, made the gesture, to invite me, a woman who wants to direct, to shadow a director on her hit television show, was something I'm not sure I'll ever get over.

I spend a lot of time and energy reading and learning and talking about women in film (you've seen my posts about #awomanwrotethat #awomancreatedthat #femalefilmmakerfriday etc.). About representation, about opportunity, about story, about process, about getting a shot to tell stories we want to tell, we have to tell, and about getting an invitation to the party so eventually we can throw our own parties. And this particular invitation was the best beginning.

I made some contacts I'll keep up as I move along. I learned so much that I'll carry onto my own set in the future. In fact, I took some of that onto #thecouch set last week when I got to do some directing of my own. I tried to emulate Rocky in the way that he listened to everyone around him and fostered a collaborative working environment where people felt they could share ideas and be heard. And most of all, I learned that what I have to do, as a women in film, is share my experience. Share it through my stories but also share it with other women and minorities and people in general. That's exactly what Pauley did for me, she shared her experience with me. And I could not be more grateful.

And I can't wait for the episode to air the last week of March. I can't wait to watch the show and remember each and every shot because I was present at the filming of them all. I can't wait to bother my family (my parents will be in town that week!) with the 100s of pieces of trivia I have about the episode. (See that men's room in that shot? It's a working bathroom! I'm full of fascinating tidbits now!) Stories for days. Stories from the party that are my own to share now. Because I was invited. Because Pauley didn't want to be at the party by herself either. Because when we share our worlds with others, all of our worlds grow exponentially so much bigger.

My first day DIRECTING!

Additional Director Sarah Knapp!

Tuesday morning I sat in a straight-backed chair, my feet up on an Amazon box, the sweater on my right arm pushed up to my elbow and rewrote journal entries with the notebook at a particular angle and the pen just barely grasped by my fingers so that you might not notice they were my fingers. All of this happened as a camera recorded my handwriting, the words appearing on the page and the journal entries growing longer with each shot. We did this for several hours. First with me in the chair, then with Ayelette, the star of The Couch, in the chair.

This is movie magic.

This is how a few seconds of a scene are made. Rubber bands and scotch tape and Elmer's glue holding the magic together behind the scenes. Whatever it takes to get the shot. Counting to twenty in my head to make sure we got enough footage at the end of each shot so that people can read the journal entries. And then Linda tapping me on the shoulder after enough time passed because we decided I count way too fast and can't be entrusted to tell time!

We're almost done with our web series The Couch. Tuesday was our last day of filming, a day of reshoots scheduled after a good chunk of the series has been edited and is in the throws of post-production. Takes are being assembled on screen, music is being written (we have our very own composer!), and one last scene had to be written and filmed to pull it together. That's what Tuesday was for, along with reshooting some of the written words on the page so that they are clear and readable.

And because our awesome director Katy had to be on another set that day, I was asked to step in as an additional director on the series.

Yep! That's right! Not only was I sitting (kind of) in front of the camera on Monday, I was also behind it for most of the day. I was helping to figure out the scenes, the shots, and -- just like you've seen in the movies -- calling Action! and Cut! to start and end filming.

And let me tell you, it was pretty freakin' cool.

I loved the idea of being a part of it. Of being one of the four women in the room making something. We all had very specific jobs. Actress, producer, script supervisor, writer, additional director of photography, director. Many jobs, just four women.

And we had a wonderful, productive day.

We did the reshoots. We worked together to get them just right. With someone in front of the camera, someone behind it, someone next to it, someone running the stopwatch, someone watching for the sound boom, someone holding the boom, so much to do and focus on and yet, with all of us stepping in to help, it went so smoothly.

And at the end, I was so excited to tell them all that it was my first day directing -- directing anything! How cool is that. To get to direct on my first ever produced project. To get to play another role on this very cool thing we're making. It was really so cool.

As I spend more and more time learning about and from directors I have found the same advice popping up over and over -- surround yourself with smarter, more talented people than yourself. And I was so happy to be surrounded by these women on Tuesday who brought us that much closer to our finished product. Women who might have a specific role, say script supervisor, but might have the best idea for how to start the scene (thanks, Linda!). Women who share a vision to make something, to share stories, to share our talents and make things.

The Couch will premiere soon. I promise. And in the meantime, know that I'm having an amazing time making it for all of you, and the world, to enjoy!

#awomandirectedthat

The director's view, my view, of the new scene we shot Tuesday. #thecouch

Beyond Words...

The panelists: Jordan Peele, Emily V. Gordon, Kumail Nanjiani, Virgil Williams, Steven Rogers,
Guillermo del Toro, Vanessa Taylor, Greta Gerwig, James Mangold, Michael Green,
Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber, Graham Moore, and Aaron Sorkin

"I can't write until I outline every part of the story."
"I can't write with an outline at all."
"I love 3x5 cards."
"I spend a lot of time laying on the couch."
"I have to write to understand how I feel about something."

These are all things that were said last night by Writers Guild Award- and Academy Award-nominated screenwriters at the 2018 Beyond Words panel at the Writers Guild Theater. And they're all things that I've said to myself over the past seven months that I've been rewriting my feature film script. And over the past ten years as I've been writing script after script.

Last night reminded me that I am not alone in this profession. That I am not weird. That how I write, how I create, is not an anomaly but just how I write. We all write the exact same way. We all write completely differently. We all write. And that's what Aaron Sorkin pointed out when he said it doesn't matter how we do it as long as the words get down on the page.

These past few months have been exhilarating. To know that my story, the one I've been writing for so long, will be heard sooner rather than later, and seen, is amazing. But it's also not a reality yet. For now I am still behind the same desk, fingers on the same keyboard, fighting the urge not to check social media just one more time, or open up Words with Friends to see if any of my friends want to help me procrastinate just a few more minutes.

Yes, we've had meetings. Pre-production meetings during which we talk about story and budget and casting and it's so exciting. It really, truly is. I've started to really work on learning as much as I can about directing. I visited an acting class where I got to see a little snippet of the work actors go through to make my words sing and dance. Next week I'll go to the first directors' workshop event of the year through Film Independent and hear from Greta Gerwig, who's been Oscar-nominated for writing and directing her first feature film. And in just over a week we'll have a our first table read for the film. Twenty people will come together in a room and read my script aloud so I can hear what works, and what needs to be worked on. It really is terribly exciting.

But most days, I'm still sitting here, at the computer, typing away. If I'm lucky. Right now my fingers aren't doing too much typing. I'm doing a lot of reading, a lot of research. I've gone back to the television world and I'm working on a pilot. I'm writing about the military and Filipino sisters and nuclear weapons again. And I love it all.

And I loved sitting in the theater last night, listening to these amazing writers and directors share stories that made me feel like I was one of them. That we were all in this crazy writer life together.

Advent Devotion #2

Isaiah 9:6-7

I am back in Michigan, celebrating the holidays with my family. Tomorrow, we will host about 100 people at our house, for our annual Christmas Open House. We’ll eat, drink and laugh all day and night long. It’s a highlight of the season for us and we look forward to it all year. And then by the end of the night, as we fill the sink with soapy water, as we gather empty cups, as we pick up crumbs and rearrange the furniture, we’ll wonder, exhaustedly, what we were thinking having this many people over!

But as we finish the chores, and sit in the living room around the big Christmas tree, we’ll recount the day and the people, we’ll relive “the joy of a great celebration, sharing rich gifts and warm greetings” as the author of Isaiah puts it so aptly. “For a child has been born – for us! The gift of a son – for us!”

Christmas is a time of sharing. Sharing love, sharing smiles, sharing time, sharing gifts. God shared His best gift with us during this season, His Son. And it’s a moment to be celebrated. With “festival joy” as it says in Isaiah! With others? Yes, I love those quiet mornings spent by the lit tree, sipping coffee, reading a book. But I really love those evenings spent sharing stories with family, laughing with friends, catching up with people I don’t see in person often enough. That festival joy is contagious and it carries us through the rest of the winter. It gets us through the dark nights and the cold mornings. It gets us to Easter, to the spring, and the redemption, we all so desperately crave.

Over the next few days, consider how you can participate in this “festival joy”. Maybe it’s sharing Christmas dinner at the church, eating or serving, just being a part of it all. Maybe it’s smiling at a stranger in Target as you rush to get that one last thing. Maybe it’s sitting with someone who doesn’t get to tell her stories that often. Or maybe it’s simply by worshipping in a crowd on Christmas Eve.

Christmas is a great celebration. God has given us that gift. Use it. Embrace it. For Christmas comes but once a year.

Advent Devotion #1

Every year Hollywood United Methodist Church asks us members to write advent devotions. Here's today's, the first of two I wrote this year: 

Isaiah 12:2-6

“Yes, indeed – God is my salvation. I trust, I won’t be afraid.”

Hmmm…I won’t be afraid. And yet? I’m terrified. Will there be enough money for rent? Will I sell my next project? Will my family member recover from this bout of illness? Will we stop global warming in time? Will we save health care for me and everyone I care about? Will I make a difference? Does it even matter?

I’m terrified. So much of the time. And yet?

“Give thanks to God. Call out his name. Ask him anything!”

Anything? Really??

I take comfort in that. In the notion that as the scripture says, as I ask, I should “joyfully pull up buckets of water from the wells of salvation”.

It’s hard not to be afraid. And yet? This time of year, this season, makes it a little easier not to be. Yes, the cookies and the carols and the festive colors and decorations help. But knowing that “the Lord God is my strength and might” is really what does it. Knowing the story of that little baby lying in a manager and how He will save us all. That helps. That gives me the ability to lay my head down at night, to close my eyes, to whisper my fears and my hopes into the darkness, and to believe that God will take care of it all.

Because He promised. Over and over. Day after day. He promises still. He is mighty. He has done wonderful things and He will continue to do wonderful things.

I won’t be afraid. Not this season. Not when I have the promise of that little baby in my heart.

I have a bit of an announcement...

July 2017

Nine years ago I was sitting in a classroom at UCLA listening to my classmates read my pages for the week. I was almost done with my first semester of film school. I had just finished the first draft of my screenplay Love and Embalming Fluid. I remember being excited. And so nervous I might throw up. And hanging on to each laugh my words elicited as if it was the breath I needed to make it through one more second on this earth.

Yes, Love and Embalming Fluid is full of comedy. Yes, it's about death. But more so? It's about life.

And then my life moved on. Fast forward nine years. Nine long years. Nine years is graduating from UCLA, taking classes at UCLA extension, taking workshops everywhere in Los Angeles. Nine years is so many Hollywood mixers and networking events. So many versions of business cards and Facebook pages and trying to force relationships that might be mutually beneficial. Nine years is seventeen screenplays and pilots. SEVENTEEN.

And then I met Ayelette Robinson (of The Couch fame). I met her on a Women in Film Facebook page and we connected on FaceTime at first. Fast forward a year and we've made a web series the world will watch soon. So let's make that eighteen scripts now.

And then this July she asked me if I had any screenplays laying around. As a writer, the one thing I learned early on is if this question was ever raised by anyone, was to say yes. And so, I said yes. I said yes, in fact, I have this one screenplay I think might be perfect for you. It's called Love and Embalming Fluid. 

Fast forward just six months. Only six months. But six months of meetings and contract negotiations and writing. Oh so much writing. See, a screenplay that was written nine years ago might need a little polish. A little updating.

Just a little.

Just a lot.

Long hours at the desk. Longer hours with a pen. Long conversations with my writing peeps who read draft after draft (and who know their work is still far from done, there are still more drafts coming).

But I discovered something so cool when I opened up the file for this particular screenplay. This screenplay that's story had begged to be told in these last nine years. I've written this story into a pilot. Then into a short film. And now? Now we're back to a feature film. And that cool thing? Well, I'm a much different writer than I was nine years ago. Frankly, a much better writer. And thank god, right? If that wasn't true, we've all been wasting our time. So...I set about rewriting.

And I'm still rewriting. But why?

Well, because Ayelette and her production company are MAKING MY MOVIE.

Yep. I really have a hard time grasping the reality at times too.

And that's not all. It's not enough that my words are going to come to life on the big screen. It's not enough that someone connected with the story in such a way that she wants to spend her energy, her time and her money telling it. It's not enough that I get to rewrite it and tell exactly the story I want to tell (because, let's be honest, that doesn't always happen to screenwriters).

I'm also directing the film.

Yep.

I'M GOING TO DIRECT MY MOVIE.

I just...I can't...honestly, it's hard to figure out the best words in this situation. See, I've always, since day one, known this story inside and out. I've known the world of Love and Embalming Fluid because it's my world. I created the characters. I created everything about the world they inhabit. I know what the rooms look like they walk into. I know what kind of clothing they have on when they get in that fight they'll never forget. I know when exactly the tears start to fall and the smile sets in. I know these things.

No one else does.

But they will. Soon.

Because I'm going to show them. Ayelette and I are going to show them.

And I'm so freaking excited about this. And to share it with everyone who's been my cheerleader and support system and friend and confidant and held me up and kept me going these past nine years. Because it has been a marathon, not a sprint. And we've only just begun.

So that's the announcement. By this time next year we're hoping to have finished filming. (Don't take that to the bank, we're making an indie film -- this is going to be a LONG road. But we've started down it and we can already see the end! And it's amazing! And we're talking to amazing people and it's just all so...amazing!)

I'm now a writer-director. I've taken my first workshop at Film Independent. This past Monday night I spent three hours learning about cinematography, just enough to get me started learning what I need to know for my job. And it was fascinating, and fun. And I'm so excited by that. By how fun this all has been. Even the long days at my desk. Even now, when I'm still working on some huge character arcs and tweaking dialogue for a potential actor, it's all fun. Because I know how truly lucky I am to get to do something like this. (Did you think I was gonna let this slide...)

Because today, in 2017, only 7% of directors are women. SEVEN PERCENT. And only 13% of writers are women. THIRTEEN PERCENT. And only 20% of producers are women. TWENTY PERCENT.

So here's the thing. We're gonna change that, Ayelette and I. We're going to add to those numbers. And all the other numbers that are way too low in this industry, in this town, in this world. We're gonna be the change we want to see. Which I love. So much.

But most of all? I get to tell this story. And I'm so excited about how I get to do it. And I'm excited for you all to come on this journey with me.

So here's to EVERYTHING that 2018 is going to bring!